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What are you afraid of?

I am afraid of spiders and…..Love. Whew. I said it. I can admit it. My fear of spiders is genuine, at times problematic. They are just creepy scary. My oldest son Damien gets so angry with me. He has killed spiders for me the longest. He has traveled to me (I jumped out my car once) to kill a spider. He is sympathetically sarcastic, “This fear makes no sense to me. You are bigger than it. Just step on it.” My response while hiding because my fear grows when I see one, “Is it dead?”

Love, has always been fairly simple to me. I  grew up believing in the fairy tale—he will be my Prince, patient; my King, kind, able to sweep me off my feet and love me unconditionally and forever. The simplicity of love: you want me. I want you. We make it work. Simple, right?

I believe we complicate Love. We make it difficult. We calculate what we want. We conceive ideas on how and when we should receive it. We mold who we want to receive it from. If it takes too long we stop working for what we want and we settle. We stop. We begin to build our love, the definition of it our way behind the hurt, underneath the lies and disappointment. We love our way—walled up.

I have become so accustomed to making excuses to my length of singleness. My dating experiences have been dreadfully futile. I confess that I have never dated, never been one to serial date. If we date, we are working towards a relationship. The last few years my dates have been tragic. One date told me: “You are too independent that’s your problem. I am going to break your spirit.” First date, last date, lose my number. The next guy, I liked. I thought he was real nice. Phone conversation, he tells me he is bisexual. Well that just shut me down completely. I just stopped looking, talking, making eye contact with strangers for about a year. It bothered me because I couldn’t tell his sexual orientation. His lack of knowing which team he wanted to be on struck me to my core. Oh what a mighty new world I have been thrust into!  I began to look forward to Friday nights, glass of wine, popcorn, pajamas and movies at home. These were my free weekends, no kids. Fear can become comfortable, a part of the norm.

Lately, I have come to realize that I look for holes even when the potential is there. I may recognize the props, the gateway and yet ignore it away, shut down because I am too afraid. Classic fear- to remain where you are. To remain in the hope of singleness is a complete cop out. Most times it is not the man, it is my own fear that keeps me single. Who wants to be fooled again? I truly believe no one can love me the way I love them nor the way I want to be loved. How selfish and “uncourageous ” is that? (uncourageous is my word. My blog. lol)

The thing is, I love Love. I think marriage is the greatest covenant two people can I have. I love married couples. I smile because they are smiling. I love hearing their stories of growth, phases of uncertainty and their methods of reconnecting–to remain together. Love is work. Love takes effort, not hoops—true effort that includes persistence, honesty and consistency. Love is effortless, it just is.

I will confess I stopped looking. I assume more than I approach. I judge more than I ask. I give up because I’m unsure and confused. The simplicity of it is, I would have called you last night because I said I would. No matter what is going on in my life I would have called you. Because deep down you are waiting to hear my voice. You are hoping. How has hope become a “game”?  Big sigh,  I’m afraid of love because being afraid of love is easier than being afraid in love.

Your wuss,

A. Michelle!

I really would like to know what you are afraid of, love and what else? Also any likes on the post will comfort me in knowing I am pretty normal.

Be courageous, let love find you happy. #LOVE

12 responses to “What are you afraid of?”

  1. I love the transparent honest, oh yes I do! I need an absolutely love button! First step, admitting you are afraid…afraid of spiders! 👍🏾👍🏾❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Wow.. Spiders I agree with.. But I kill them.. Love.. Maybe you’re hoping for too much too soon.. Take it slowly.. Oh and people hide or lie all the time about all kind of things.. Don’t be too downhearted! This is coming from a 29 year old woman, who has been lied about, shunned for talking the truth about the wrongs in my community and against black women!

    If I give up, I’m not living up to full potential!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Miss Dinie….I’m afraid of spiders and Love. This is my confession not a weakness…well the spiders are! LOL. I love love. Although I have been single for years it is more because of my fear not because of anyone or anything. Expecting more, A. Michelle.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Interesting post. I generally trap spiders in a clear plastic bowl and usher them outside, but I no longer live in MD, so no worries about finding a Brown Recluse in the wrong place. Love, that is work. I do not think sexual orientation has anything to do with it (but I am 46, so sex is less important than talking about feelings, now…): being married is huge work; especially if your spouse is afraid to talk about emotions! It is that feeling of dis-connectedness that frightens me to my core. But I keep working on it. Getting spouse and family-in-law to understand this, well… I keep rolling up my sleeves one more time, and once again into the breech, dear friends, for I wish not to bury any dear friends, or myself.
    Love, Peace and Soul = Community,
    14 Nov. 12015 HE (the Holocene Calendar)

    Liked by 1 person

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