No Failure in Faith

October

Autumn Falls

Walkways are filled with leaves of colors

Change is touchable, All-seeing

There will be many curves and turns in our lives but there is no failure in our faith walk. I reflect on the thoughts, dreams, and goals I tell God about and only God. Those dreams that break and only God and I know that they break. Albeit, the dreams that did not meet my request. I am not in a spiritual hold up and not doubting God in what He does. Yet, He is the only companion that knows my heart and when my heart shatters, and hope falls apart; He is still the only one who knows of those particular heartbreaks…that is where I am. In this place of trusting Him anyway…no matter what the difficulty is and in spite of the pain. The path of in-between.

What I know we cannot run in the dark. We cannot love on empty. We cannot trust without promise. We cannot engage in love when we have no understanding of the problem. God’s timing, His perspective is so much grander than ours is. His concepts are for a greater purpose and most times, we have to wait. Most of our waiting is a work on self. God grows us into what He requires of us. At times, the thing we are working diligently on is His opportunity for us to see Him. Trusting Him is without default.

Do not engage with people who pull you further away from God, further away from what you believe in and the God you trust in. Do not engage with those people. Be an example more so than wanting to prove who you are. Resist the fight to prove when God is leading. #spiritualtransitions We know we are where we are because of Him, because of His love for us. Let Him do the rest—fight those battles of unprofessionalism, judgments, ill will towards us. #levelup

Welcome October, each day with expectancy—trusting Him anyway. Be perfectly imperfect, trusting God through the kinks, knockdowns, upsets, the falls and the breaks. Those moments matter the most. Let us continue to build from there—shining and being a light for others…setting faith standards.  {Hebrews 11}

Intimately worded,

Michelle

What are you afraid of?

I am afraid of spiders and…..Love. Whew. I said it. I can admit it. My fear of spiders is genuine, at times problematic. They are just creepy scary. My oldest son Damien gets so angry with me. He has killed spiders for me the longest. He has traveled to me (I jumped out my car once) to kill a spider. He is sympathetically sarcastic, “This fear makes no sense to me. You are bigger than it. Just step on it.” My response while hiding because my fear grows when I see one, “Is it dead?”

Love, has always been fairly simple to me. I  grew up believing in the fairy tale—he will be my Prince, patient; my King, kind, able to sweep me off my feet and love me unconditionally and forever. The simplicity of love: you want me. I want you. We make it work. Simple, right?

I believe we complicate Love. We make it difficult. We calculate what we want. We conceive ideas on how and when we should receive it. We mold who we want to receive it from. If it takes too long we stop working for what we want and we settle. We stop. We begin to build our love, the definition of it our way behind the hurt, underneath the lies and disappointment. We love our way—walled up.

I have become so accustomed to making excuses to my length of singleness. My dating experiences have been dreadfully futile. I confess that I have never dated, never been one to serial date. If we date, we are working towards a relationship. The last few years my dates have been tragic. One date told me: “You are too independent that’s your problem. I am going to break your spirit.” First date, last date, lose my number. The next guy, I liked. I thought he was real nice. Phone conversation, he tells me he is bisexual. Well that just shut me down completely. I just stopped looking, talking, making eye contact with strangers for about a year. It bothered me because I couldn’t tell his sexual orientation. His lack of knowing which team he wanted to be on struck me to my core. Oh what a mighty new world I have been thrust into!  I began to look forward to Friday nights, glass of wine, popcorn, pajamas and movies at home. These were my free weekends, no kids. Fear can become comfortable, a part of the norm.

Lately, I have come to realize that I look for holes even when the potential is there. I may recognize the props, the gateway and yet ignore it away, shut down because I am too afraid. Classic fear- to remain where you are. To remain in the hope of singleness is a complete cop out. Most times it is not the man, it is my own fear that keeps me single. Who wants to be fooled again? I truly believe no one can love me the way I love them nor the way I want to be loved. How selfish and “uncourageous ” is that? (uncourageous is my word. My blog. lol)

The thing is, I love Love. I think marriage is the greatest covenant two people can I have. I love married couples. I smile because they are smiling. I love hearing their stories of growth, phases of uncertainty and their methods of reconnecting–to remain together. Love is work. Love takes effort, not hoops—true effort that includes persistence, honesty and consistency. Love is effortless, it just is.

I will confess I stopped looking. I assume more than I approach. I judge more than I ask. I give up because I’m unsure and confused. The simplicity of it is, I would have called you last night because I said I would. No matter what is going on in my life I would have called you. Because deep down you are waiting to hear my voice. You are hoping. How has hope become a “game”?  Big sigh,  I’m afraid of love because being afraid of love is easier than being afraid in love.

Your wuss,

A. Michelle!

I really would like to know what you are afraid of, love and what else? Also any likes on the post will comfort me in knowing I am pretty normal.

Be courageous, let love find you happy. #LOVE

Love on Top!

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable,
you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,
and all that is left is a compromise. –Robert Fritz
2014-11-09 19.13.18
It is easy to fall into the resolve of not dating, to be alone. The choices are very limited due to a person’s perception of you and what they too want for their life. If you remove all the circumstantial propaganda and be truly honest; finding love or waiting for love to find you takes greater skills than internet dating, one night stands, club “hoping” (not a typo), Facebooking,  other social media quickies, friends with benefits and blind dates.
 
The difficulty in the remaining alone phase is that you can be easily deterred. Your ability to see more of your wish list rather an actual reality happens quite a lot. I haven’t ever been so independent that I don’t want a man nor so needy that I lose my own identity in trying to get one. I think you have to develop an even balance of wanting and waiting. (That comes with time.)
 
I have this amazing son, the youngest one, my Brutus. He has the sweetest going-to- be- an- awesome-Man characteristic of any child I know. His father walked out before Brutus was 12 months old, before potty training, before learning to tie his shoe. Brutus has two older brothers, Damien and Darius. They have moved out of the home and are doing well.  So there hasn’t been a man around for him to watch, to observe. Before you get all mushy and what not, read.
Sunday, our pastor called all to the altar for a unity prayer. Pastor stated, “Bring your pocketbooks.” The whole Church chuckled. The same hand I am holding Bru’s hand with holds my pocketbook. As we are praying he grabs it and whispers, “I’ll hold this for you.”
 
After Church, we are shopping and the rain begins to pour heavily as we are leaving. We dash it and Brutus runs to open my car door first before getting in the back seat. I wanted so much to pick him up and squeeze him so tight. He just melts my heart. Oh and it so what I need…to be appreciated, to be shown chivalry. His genuine acts of love combat the inopportune thoughts of settling, the doubts of not being enough, and the wonder of being too much.
 
I have no idea why, how, nor who he gets this from but I am in absolute awe of how God works. Brutus is eight years old. I don’t know what I have done to be blessed with my little fella. When Damien and Darius were younger they did not do these things for me. Yet, I didn’t miss it nor did I realize I was missing something.
 
As a mother of three sons and one daughter, a grad student, a fulltime employee, a volunteer, a friend, a sister and now new blogger; Life can be quite cumbersome, unexpected, challenging, unyielding, amazing….. Most days I am left wondering why and what for. One more tidbit: when I am worried, lost in thought, cooking, being a mom he will give me a kiss, a hug without prompting. Asleep, way in the wee hours of the night  when he refuses to sleep alone my Brutus still slides his hand across my belly and holds me just so. I smile, peacefully.
 
I know everyone doesn’t have a Brutus but you are blessed…..just take the time to find it and you work from there.  Faith it the right way, your way. No pressure.
 
You are amazing; Continue!  
 
~A. Michelle
 
                                                       Proven throughout time without reprove…..Love gives. ~A. Michelle