It is okay. To let go of what you wanted to happen. There is so much more when you do.
I ask that you not lose focus in wanting to want….all will happen in ways greater than you wished.
When the most difficult is happening deal with your now, do not push away; it all is preparing you for your future.
My wish is that we remain hopeful in disappointment, heartbreak and in our sacrifices,…you are so worthy and deserving and if “they”, if none see that, if none recognize your You
Well my dear you push forward ever so expectantly. Your strength has guided you this far and frankly you cannot be stopped. I believe in you. I believe in us….we who despite it all Hope.
Let go so that more comes. Be ever so proud of how far you have come.
When I write….It all passes through me. I see more in black and white than what’s in my heart. I can fix this…when I write.
My heart seems to have no rhyme or reason but my words bleed truth, bleed, reveal my soul. My matters of the heart are not without healing, when I write. The invincible is plausible, the impossible is reasonable. I can do more, achieve more when I write. I am more than super; I am a wonder, when I write. I feel normal yet I know this writing is unique, a gift, my very own gift. It is mine….and it frees me….it connects me…it heals me. It is me, all of me.
My tears spill over into smiles or a “Wow. Now I see” confirmation begins to develop new ideas. My joy, the kind no one can take away centers me. God meets me write there…..and quite simply, “There” is an intimacy experienced–no longer an imagination…when I write.
I have a tendency to put things off, not necessarily a procrastinator but “I will do it later; “I need to be in the mood,” type of person. My writing desk has everything on it and in it for “my to do later.” Does any of it include writing? Nooo. Magazines I promised to read, recipes I will try later, bills and more envelopes of bills, books I need to read, encouragement cards I received paperclip w/their envelopes because I self-promised to write the sender a thank you, later….. yet, I only send a text. Smh/smiling.
This morning I clean off that desk, I organize, I shred, I empty; I actually trash the unnecessary! I keep the unread Cosmo magazines, lol. Although my sex life is null and void my want to have it is not negated, in addition I think I have forgotten how. (Laughing) Yet, “38 Hot Sex Tricks,” and “Crazy Hot Sex Moves He’ll think about all year long” these article titles caught my eye…there was something about exercise moves for a flat belly. But let’s be realistic my opportunities of achieving a flat belly are pretty much over. My goal list includes lose back fat and find a sex life (with a monogamous, sane male, within my age range, employed, self-motivated, intelligent, etc.)! Keeping Cosmo could possibly be a plus, one just never knows.
Once cleaned and organized, I count how many writing idea books, writing journals I have accumulated. There are six and one completed stage play. I sit back and look at my work. I should feel proud but I feel a sense of shamefulness. I’ve let myself down…that sweet, innocent, naïve 16 year old girl who was so full of letting her writing lead her, make her, empower her and encourage others is very disappointed in Self. I pause, taking moments to remember her and I begin to smile. I remember Her! Through it all, the momentous, the painful, the good, the bad, the ugly, because of/ in spite of Life…..twenty-nine years later and I can still remember her.
During moments in our lives we tend to take the backseat on our talents, our gifts. Dating, marriage, children, family becomes our focus. Do to my own fear, I truly held the belief that my ex-husband should have the chance to become stabilized in his career, his wants first. Once he/she is gone, then the focus becomes the children—we want better for them; once again we compromise—push for that non-fulfilling job for stability and financial reasons. Overcoming is a requirement of life, yet if not adequately carried out it can begin the shift of forgetting Self. Our worlds can be turned upside down when we want more for another than we do for ourselves.
We are in charge of Self— no one, no want, no sacrifice should cost you Self. So I will continue to do more for me, much more than regretting. Remember, acknowledge, smile and move forward to grasp ahold to what you already know. God just doesn’t dilly out uniqueness for you to shut it down. 🙂
You are amazing!
P.S. I still haven’t read the Cosmopolitan articles. I will do it later. 🙂