When Faith does not Fit: My 2016 in Review

My family circle grew–first grand baby girl; oldest son engaged–new daughter. Blessings!  Two more courses in my Master’s program to complete. Blessed!

Graduation and exams loom. Smh, I am already looking at doctorate programs. Yet, I think I will sit down for a minute. My professors, mentors consistently support my educational goals. They, PhD holders refer and inform my ideas and wants to others who have the greatest minds in counseling. I am president-elect of Chi Sigma Iota Mu Chi Chapter. I am chair of the Chapter’s quarterly newsletter. I am to form a scholarship fund aimed with supporting single women who are head of households and are dedicated to pursuing their education in the Master’s program of Counseling. I have registered with another scholarly program that will put me in front of professionals, professors in the teaching realm, because my mentor told me I should. My thought: I’m just some little country girl who loves and there is no way my mind can compete.

My friendship circle has shrunk and that is okay. Either people want to be there for you or they do not know how. Sometimes their behavior is more self-preservation than unfriendliness. Don’t stop. Do not quit. You really matter to a lot to people, more than you think.

“I met someone.” That commercial is so sweet. No, I haven’t met someone. I originally planned to give serious effort into re-entering the dating world. As of this date, no date this year and that is okay too. I have male friends–that are business associates and their actions are indicative of waiting for my equal, for that someone who is willing to meet me where I am and still be equipped to grow together come what may. For example, the Little Ones’ Christmas wish was answered by a gentleman, just out of the blue. Remember, there are more good people with good hearts in this world. Do not lose sight of their goodness.

I do not think what I am wanting is any different from anyone else seeking a relationship. In faith we learn how to wait, we try to do what is right. It becomes hard to believe when Someone is not the one. I blamed myself for so much. I gave so much time trying to figure out why Someone doesn’t want me. I ate and thought about it. I stopped eating and thought about it. I walked and thought about it. I prayed and thought about it. One scripture remained with me for weeks, “…in all your getting get an understanding.” Proverbs 4:7, KJV.

My understanding, 1. I will keep my hope, without settling. I refuse to let my heart become bitter, rocky and non-conforming. 2. My love life: Recently, I realized that I think I fell in love with a potential…because I gained back 20 lbs of the 40 I lost. Rejection does so many things to our psyche. The more I think of love, the growth and the capability of receiving it seems inconceivable. Someone should care enough to not place me in that position. Right?Right. Enough of that, I am back on my Michelle grind, learning that neglect is a force of continuation not a place of stagnate. Self-worth requires discipline and redefining. Growing into what God wants us to be–requires a different perspective that aligns with His will for our lives.

I have been unemployed all year yet financially the important bills are paid. My family roots are God gifted. I do a lot of volunteer work and part-time work. God is completely in control. The not having a job, the potential heartbreak, family issues, our world difficulties, and life has broken me in different ways that I am unable to understand. For the last 6 months, I have been hurting, pretty bad in every aspect of my being. All I know, what I know is so changed, so different. I want my life back…well the life God has purposed to begin. Now. This transition phase hurts and seems to be taking forever. I am so lost. I feel so inadequate. So much is coming and I no longer feel capable for any of it.

My blog readership has grown, thank you! 2016 Stats include 709 total views, 20 countries. These numbers excite me so! A few of the top viewed posts this year are:

“Broken Relationships,” https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/01/18/broken-relationships/

“Heart Moments,#NecessaryWork,” https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/09/26/heart-moments-necessarywork/

“Rejection…#BeginAgain,” https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/07/27/rejection-beginagain/

“Lion’s Den and the Vulnerability of Belief.”  https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/04/17/lions-den-and-the-vulnerability-of-belief/

As a writer, I love that I am able to read over my work and be encouraged by what I have written no matter what phase of life I seem to be in. Especially, when my faith does not fit.

The final “faith-all” of the year: I will be submitting the first draft of my first book to a woman who has never backed down in her covering of me. A wow for me: I completed my first book! Yet, the process that comes with completing a book, editing, publishing, and marketing leaves me woozy and completely frighten. We meet Friday! 🙂

In 2017, I pray our faith walk will continue to lead us towards God’s evident promises because Faith will fit the fixes.

Note: Know that God’s love is greater in levels than we could imagine. Find Him where you think you are lost. He is there. One favorite scripture when I am broken: “Who is this that cometh up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved…” Song of Solomon 8:5 KJV

We will come out of the desert. Happy New Year! Resolute to keep faithing, even when it doesn’t fit.

Me intimately worded,

Michelle

Letting go….

It is okay. To let go of what you wanted to happen. There is so much more when you do.

I ask that you not lose focus in wanting to want….all will happen in ways greater than you wished.

When the most difficult is happening deal with your now, do not push away; it all is preparing you for your future.

My wish is that we remain hopeful in disappointment, heartbreak and in our sacrifices,…you are so worthy and deserving and if “they”, if none see that, if none recognize your You

Well my dear you push forward ever so expectantly. Your strength has guided you this far and frankly you cannot be stopped. I believe in you. I believe in us….we who despite it all Hope.

Let go so that more comes. Be ever so proud of how far you have come.

 There’s more.

A.Michelle!

That Publish button…my bloggy blog statement

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When I write….It all passes through me. I see more in black and white than what’s in my heart. I can fix this…when I write.

​ My feelings, emotions are more coherent. They are tangible, loud. Emotions feel, taste, they bite. My tiny voice is loud, substantial, coherent no longer misunderstood…when I write. I’m strong, powerful, vulnerable and so transparent. It scares me, still…when I write. 
When I write, there aren’t any rules. There are no, “You can’t.”  No incorrect grammar rules (ok, I have to make sense) but I can make up words within my own writing context, “uncourageous”— (what a wonderful word) and you as the reader know exactly what it means!  As a female raised in the South, no rules is a new phenomenon and the release is pure ecstasy.
(Don’t get too deep with the latest intonation. lol)

My heart seems to have no rhyme or reason but my words bleed truth, bleed, reveal my  soul. ​ My matters of the heart are not without healing, when I write. The invincible is plausible, the impossible is reasonable. ​​ I can do more, achieve more when I write. I am more than super; I am a wonder, when I write.  I feel normal yet I know this writing is unique, a gift, my very own gift. It is mine….and it frees me….it connects me…it heals me. It is me, all of me.​

My tears spill over into smiles or a  “Wow. Now I see” ​ confirmation begins to develop new ideas. ​ My joy, the kind no one can take away centers me. God meets me write there…..and quite simply, “There” is an intimacy experienced–no longer an imagination…when I write.

Vulnerably yours,

~A. Michelle!

Reciprocity…a published work.

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So in my real life….I haven’t written for a publication in 19 years! For everyone God has placed in my life to get me to this point I appreciate you! Kisses. (and you know I have water in my eyes.) All smiles.
 Below is the digital link to the magazine featuring my article. Please read and enjoy! Also support the magazine via the website She~ol~ogy, magazine for the modern woman. Great tips on becoming the whole you.
 

Writer’s Block…obstacle: Self

                   “Fear must not be a greater champion of your dreams than you are.” ~A. MichelleConfident

I have a tendency to put things off, not necessarily a procrastinator but “I will do it later; “I need to be in the mood,” type of person. My writing desk has everything on it and in it for “my to do later.”  Does any of it include writing? Nooo.  Magazines I promised to read, recipes I will try later, bills and more envelopes of bills, books I need to read, encouragement cards I received paperclip w/their envelopes because I self-promised to write the sender a thank you, later….. yet, I only send a text. Smh/smiling.

This morning I clean off that desk, I organize, I shred, I empty; I actually trash the unnecessary! I keep the unread Cosmo magazines, lol. Although my sex life is null and void my want to have it is not negated, in addition I think I have forgotten how. (Laughing) Yet, “38 Hot Sex Tricks,” and “Crazy Hot Sex Moves He’ll think about all year long” these article titles caught my eye…there was something about exercise moves for a flat belly.  But let’s be realistic my opportunities of achieving a flat belly are pretty much over. My goal list includes lose back fat and find a sex life (with a monogamous, sane male, within my age range, employed, self-motivated, intelligent, etc.)!  Keeping Cosmo could possibly be a plus, one just never knows.

Once cleaned and organized, I count how many writing idea books, writing journals I have accumulated. There are six and one completed stage play. I sit back and look at my work.  I should feel proud but I feel a sense of shamefulness. I’ve let myself down…that sweet, innocent, naïve 16 year old girl who was so full of letting her writing lead her, make her, empower her and encourage others is very disappointed in Self. I pause, taking moments to remember her and I begin to smile. I remember Her! Through it all, the momentous, the painful, the good, the bad, the ugly, because of/ in spite of Life…..twenty-nine years later and I can still remember her.

During moments in our lives we tend to take the backseat on our talents, our gifts. Dating, marriage, children, family becomes our focus. Do to my own fear, I truly held the belief that my ex-husband should have the chance to become stabilized in his career, his wants first. Once he/she is gone, then the focus becomes the children—we want better for them; once again we compromise—push for that non-fulfilling job for stability and financial reasons.  Overcoming is a requirement of life, yet if not adequately carried out it can begin the shift of forgetting Self. Our worlds can be turned upside down when we want more for another than we do for ourselves.

We are in charge of Self— no one, no want, no sacrifice should cost you Self. So I will continue to do more for me, much more than regretting. Remember, acknowledge, smile and move forward to grasp ahold to what you already know. God just doesn’t dilly out uniqueness for you to shut it down. 🙂

You are amazing!

~A. Michelle

P.S. I still haven’t read the Cosmopolitan articles. I will do it later. 🙂