Gifts

Christmas Ornaments: Nostalgia and All the Feels

by A. Michelle!
  • Favorite Things
  • Christmas Tree 2019
Reflections of Love: Transitions

#AfterChristmas: This picture of my favorite Christmas ornaments contains over 25 years of awesome memories. Each one was either created by my children, gifted to me or purchased for my children to have.

The monogram balls are for my Autumn, now 16 and for my Bru, now 13. The handmade gingerbread man created by my Darius at age 5…he is now 27 years old. The gingerbread has been broken and glued so many times. I love it the most because of its durability to withstand moves from home to home, sticky and clumsy baby fingers, its ability to hold so much with so little. The clear ball w/ the angel in the center also has been repaired and glued so many different times; its creator is my oldest, Damien, now 30 years old. The Christmas Tree painting was completed by my daughter at 11 years old. She doesn’t like it, stating its so elementary. I absolutely love it.  She has grown into a phenomenal artist. You have to check out her 2008 Snowman. You see her picture?! She was 5 years old. The heart shaped cream-colored ornament was gifted to me by my deceased Mother-in-Law. She wasn’t always the greatest to me yet each Christmas I share w/ her grandchildren her unique style for different things.

Life has this way of not going or coming together as we planned. Each year with hanging the ornaments and decorating our home for the Holidays, I remember. I believe that 20 years of memories, of babies becoming adults, of our children adulting while we’re doing our best to adult as well brings transformation, details a life of grace. As we transition, transform, develop, build and grow…we learn how to be the repairer after we break…we learn to represent the greatest traits after brokenness. Continue to heal, continue to live so that love remains. Life has a way of undoing what we hold sacred. I’ll keep our Christmas up after the New Year comes in, its so much more than tradition. Honor what makes you You.

This year, my #struggle deepened, and my purpose got greater. I continue to wish you love and peace. If you are a giver, make room to receive. It comes back to you, always. I pray that all your experiences this year have led you to a closer relationship with Our Creator. My hope is that you know without any shadow of doubt that you are loved and with His love you can conquer and soar…He equips is to do great things. December 31 symbolizes more of our wants…not the ending. Grow, heal, love, #forgive, plan, accomplish. Do your work. Do what is required of you. Believe in better. Happy New Year! Continued blessings and miracles to you and yours. #MakeRoom #GraceForMore

Intimately Worded, 

Michelle 

When it all hurts…

by A. Michelle!

img_20140911_034409-2

#SaturdayReveal…yesterday I allowed the whole world to rest in my heart, all of it at once in one frail moment. That’s painful. And it was okay although I felt vulnerable, weak and so disappointed in self. (I was leaving my second job and en route to my intern site.) I am learning that the part of me that I keep hidden from the world is what this world needs the most. It’s also the part of me I neglect the most.

Everyone is seeking approval in different forms, in ways from you that you are not aware of. At times what they seek from you is their hope of the love you will have for them. They want you to okay them in their stuff…I’ve never been able to do that. I can’t right your wrong. I can’t make you feel good about what will eventually break you. People chip at your greatest gift in an attempt to make it theirs. As I am blubbering to my friend and apologizing for taking up his time (there is no way I am coherent) he reminds me of my Selfcare, he reminds me of my good and he reminds me that I have been pushing so hard for the last 10 years and all of it alone. One thing he didn’t say was to quit. I encourage you to keep going. I remind you that your Selfcare is paramount. I tell you that I know God is in control and that none of this stuff goes unnoticed. {Greater is He that is in me.} I also know that there are more of the good people in your corner than you have the audacity to believe. The Ones who believe in you…you keep going for them. Continue to do your best work while carrying out your Selfcare. At times your Selfcare has to adjust with your growth and your purpose.

2 Corinthians 4: 7-10: “7 Our bodies are made of clay, yet we have the treasure of the Good News in them. This shows that the superior power of this treasure belongs to God and doesn’t come from us. 8 In every way we’re troubled, but we aren’t crushed by our troubles. We’re frustrated, but we don’t give up. 9 We’re persecuted, but we’re not abandoned. We’re captured, but we’re not killed. 10 We always carry around the death of Jesus in our bodies so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our bodies.” and  2 Corinthians 4: 16-18: 16 That is why we are not discouraged. Though outwardly we are wearing out, inwardly we are renewed day by day. 17 Our suffering is light and temporary and is producing for us an eternal glory that is greater than anything we can imagine. 18 We don’t look for things that can be seen but for things that can’t be seen. Things that can be seen are only temporary. But things that can’t be seen last forever.”

I’m not quite sure if I am  thriving in this new environment. What I am realizing is that vulnerability is one of the greatest stretches of trust one has to survive in.

Intimately Wrded,

Michelle

Promises, Hope and my Heart

by A. Michelle!

Counselors picI accepted a job offer last week! I have yet to share it with the world. I have been trying for consistent employment in counseling for the last two years. I am excited and I feel extremely blessed. This morning as I was looking at the beautiful autumn leaves I realized that I am manifesting, yet afraid of His promises of hope.

The dream opportunity to work as counselor—to be in this role before graduation, waiting on licensure scores—terrifies me. Manifestation: an event, action, or object that clearly shows or embodies something, especially a theory or an abstract idea. I am walking in what God has placed in my heart, a work that He knew of before my acceptance, a purpose He gifted me without giving details of how to achieve.

I tell you, do not push away from the painful things, the disappointments. Remember, that God is within those things, those interruptions as well, right there with you. This Counselor’s path has been not easy —very difficult. Becoming a counselor is not a stagnant career choice. You will grow whether you want to or not. Your heart will change, stop, beat, ache, break, melt, heal and then do it all over again. Your friendships, the ones you cherish will hurt. Oftentimes your alone time will be your healing time. This is an unquit for me.

This is my unequivocal purpose that is coming true! Although the promises of Hope move me in unfamiliar territory, I am in a territory of harvesting—working within my spiritual divine role. The moments that do not hurt: receiving authentic affirmations from a 15 year old recovering within her eating disorder: “I am beautiful. I am so beautiful! I am disappointed that I treated myself this mean.”

I received a beautiful hand-created scarf (pictured above) —this client did not use a knitting nor crochet needle. She used her fingers! She saw my joy and I put it on immediately, and said, “I will rock this!” She responds so unsure: “Ms. Michelle I can make you another, a better one.”  Me: “I don’t want you to. This is perfect!”

I have learned to love the unexpected hugs! (In the beginning, this was a problem for me.)  They are the greatest especially when I know my clients battle with touch, intimacy and trust. With all that comes with gaining a trauma victim’s trust it has been my intimacy with God that carries me through each session. At times, the science and the spiritual do not mesh and then there are times you cannot have one without the other. There are different paths that lead to healing. I marvel at these concepts and therapeutic techniques. I love Counseling! I do.

My life has by far been a complete God-experience; He has kept me when I did not recognize how He keeps. I could not have identified my professional identity without my spiritual journey. My first day begins after Thanksgiving.

Remain grateful, hopeful and I beg you to, choose the larger life.

“The beginning is most important part of the work.” –Plato

Intimately worded,

Michelle

{Song of Solomon 8:5}

Chapter 47 #birthdayblog the beginning…

by A. Michelle!

Selfie_August 2017

I am not forsaking the last 46 years, I am blessed. I am humbled and ever so confident in God. His works are undeniable. This past week I attended a beautiful wedding where African Attire was required. We are a beautiful people. I attended the funeral of a great friend…her mother was –is her world. I wear my pearls in honor of her memory and my mother’s as well. Our mothers’ are the salt of the earth…they make us you know…they make us in spite of their dreams, in spite of the things they want for themselves. How amazing is the role of mother. In addition, with some dread…I am being matched to date….it has been five years since I have been on a date. What a birthday week!!  I love new experiences and value the past ones. Year 47 will be exceptional!

My life thoughts:

  1. God works within our prayers to show His purposes for our lives.
  2. Others’ happiness can flow over to us but it is up to us to pick up the pieces they leave us.
  3. I am learning that life is grand only if you live it!
  4. Support the ones who support your dreams …without a price.
  5. Our world is relevant to what we do. What we put out returns back to us.
  6. I love being a mother it is far more rewarding than we believe, even with all the sacrifices and …I am good at it.
  7. Damien!
  8. Darius!
  9. Autumn!
  10. Bryant Wade aka Brutus!
  11. Love in spite of how we define it… it wins on its on merit.
  12. Friendships are fundamentals it indicates how we care for one another.
  13. Spirituality although renowned  is one of the most evolutionary, specific and rare experiences that will last forever.
  14. Do not always be aggressive learn to wait in hope.
  15. There is work in the wait.
  16. Connections make you vulnerable yet the real ones last a lifetime. Keep them.
  17. Love more than you hate.
  18. Although forgiveness is a process, forgive anyway. We are unable to stop the hurt. Reflect. Forgive. Move forward in love.
  19. I am okay.
  20. I am worthy of the good.
  21. Your intelligence is an asset…grow it. Share it. Use it.
  22. Hate cripples.
  23. Self-loathing destroys what God has created.
  24. Growth requires new experiences.
  25. Guarding your heart comes with responsibilities, listening and obeying. Do not guard it with barbwire.
  26. Family is the core of our existence. Love them.
  27. Racism is real. God is bigger.
  28. Our biggest fight is to love who we are.
  29. Our greatest fear is not being loved for whom we truly are…we fight to hide and hide to fight.
  30. Self-care is paramount.
  31. Sleep is wonderful, it is when God is doing so much for us and through us. Learn to rest well.
  32. God loves whom He creates. He cannot not love.
  33. Psychology and counseling is what I am great at doing. It is a gift and though heart wrenching I am committed.
  34. Giving birth is life changing; forever.
  35. When the ones we love walk out, it hurts but it is the beginning of so much more. Work through it.
  36. Encourage others; it matters. Fellowship is key to relationships.
  37. You are greater than anything that comes your way. God in all His infinite wisdom ordained it so.
  38. Comparison is the thief of joy.
  39. We indeed reap what we sow. Sow with love.
  40. Love is simple, respectful and honorable. There is not any gray matter.
  41. Do not human up what is spiritually required of you. Freewill is God given. Jesus paid the price, once. He does not have to repeat it.
  42. Adoption is unrequited love. Do not human it up.
  43. Our gifts are our freedom. Develop it. Follow through with it.
  44. Dreams come true with hard work and trust.
  45. Do the necessary #work.
  46. Safety is not a guarantee…it should be with the ones who profess their love for you.

Chapter 47 …new one. I am determined to live life loving better, living wonderfully and assisting in the greater good wherever and whenever I can! ©

P.S. I am excitedly afraid of the possibility of dating. A big sister type of friend says, “Not dating Oh not we cannot have that.” She has been on a mission since Wednesday. #mylife

Intimately worded,

Michelle

Flux to Crux…Part I

by A. Michelle!

©©When it hurts to write (my number one love), when it hurts to counsel, when it hurts to breathe…within my crux. My well is dry. My give is limited. My encouraging spirit, well it is in wound. This is new. There have been times in the past I was unable to write. This is different; my life experiences are genuine, unique. I try my best to learn from them and move forward. I hold no ill will towards anyone.  This is more than hurt feelings, more than depression, more than overworked, more than transitional. All of me is in such a painful turmoil; my thoughts, my spirit, my body…yesterday I cleaned my face with fingernail polish remover. Smh/laugh, I did.  Yet, I know this is more than I need a vacation phase.

I am not sure what this is, what it means. I quit social media for a minute. I have been fasting since May. I have taken the necessary steps to welcome this transition and yet it seems I am still failing.

My flux—Monday through Wednesday schedule is when I give all of me to others. Monday: work, see clients, facilitate grief group. Tuesday: work, see clients, and attend class. Wednesday: work, see clients, facilitate divorce group. Thursday: work, work on proposals, homework, more counseling projects. Friday: looks like Thursday. Saturday & Sunday: self-care days…even with some sort of training—in ethics or sex trafficking and conducting prayer hotlines. I think my self-care is suffocating because I do not know where I am at, who I am becoming. In addition, how is it possible that there is more to life when it all hurts?

I am alone in my crux. I see, hear so much hurt. From planned suicide to displaced wives and children to grieving individuals. Their hurt pains me so much and I know to run, walk, talk, pray for them outside of my counseling sessions. I do not carry their weight although the heaviness is substantial. I could list all my credentials, my leadership roles, my accomplishments, my wants yet it still is what I did —not what I am doing. I have only the premise that I am in the middle of something huge and I cannot go backwards nor move forward in front of God. It all frightens me.

“There is nothing My Holiness cannot do.” ~Marianne Williamson

Fighting for joy…to keep it…to live with it and in it in spite of what I see, of what I hear and no matter the mistreatment keep fighting for joy. My purposes are my purposes…God-divine. When things come up hard, when reasoning makes no sense, when everything seems to fall short, when the fluxes of this life overwhelm we must remember all that God requires is never easy. Jesus, His son suffered more than anyone. He set the standard for being obedient to God’s will. He won. His victory is for us to win as well.

There will be times I cannot be all to everyone. There will be times my spirit of encouragement is nil. There will be times when how alone I am in this world flattens me. (When Daddy & Momma are gone, it is a whole other kind of growing up.)

I do not talk. I do not complain. I encourage. I smile. I cover up. While in this transition phase one person said to me: “There’s something behind that smile.”  I broke down. I cried. Not those hard cry just silent tears. There is my brokenness. There is the pain of being told my last seven years are a farce. That my struggle, my fight to be a counselor is of all things–unethical.

Normally, I have a few choice words for people who intentionally harm or disrespect me. I have my say. I am my best advocate. Yet, this time the weight of others, of it all, of this journey made me pause. I give. I give a lot. I give out. This time, for this moment I gave in. Whammy after whammy is depleting. The core of everything I am, everything I am becoming has to be fought for and I am tired.

“I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the Lord says and how he[a] will answer my complaint.” Habakkuk 2:1 (NLT)

 There is peace in my wait. There is more of me in my wait. He is there for me in my wait. I awake smiling. I enter my space, my chosen time alone is outside where I can see, hear, smell, touch, breathe in His love. There is where I begin…within my crux. I am trusting God to do His possibles for me and for you.

His grace.

Intimately worded,

Michelle ©

Fyi: For those who do not know I am in the practicum/internship phase of achieving my master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. 

Beauty Selfie (2)
Beginning 2009 or 2010

 

Michelle_June 9 2017
In between June 2017.  (at my daughter’s graduation from Middle School.)

 

 

Pick your battles…Parenting Autumn

by A. Michelle!

IMG_217943346666549    You have the ability to choose. I think often times we lose focus on the power of simplicity because if our lives are not forced focus, in crisis mode, hectic hellish or nonstop un-normal we fight to right our ways our way. Discern what matters God has placed within your life to deal with. Remember anything He gives us He also equips us. There are difficulties we must face, know that we do not face them alone. So often, we place burdens on ourselves that are His and we blame Him for the most. We carry that ice chip on our shoulders, in our words and we embed it in our hearts. God loves and He disciplines those He loves. He is not going to allow us to outdo Him. Honestly, there is no way we can.

My Autumn is 13 years old, an awesome daughter. She is my only daughter. #motherhood As her mother, I think I mess up a lot. I think I have to watch her more so because I fear for her. I think she could have had a mother that has more expertise in all things. I think she could have had a better mother—a mother who knows how to raise daughters. (I have three sons.) I do not allow her any social media time, her friends are few and she starts high school next year. Oh, and her figure, her shape is coming in already (just like mine at her age) and she is a beauty and so smart. Therefore, I am frightened in so many different areas of her life because I am her mother. Am I too stifling? Do I suffocate her? Am I making her feel she is loved and loving? How is her self-esteem? What are boys saying to her in that school? What are men saying to her? Then again, what are girls saying to her? Do we talk enough? Am I doing right by her? Has my singleness all these years braced her or harmed her for her future relationships? Big sigh.

When I get this way, which is not often but often enough. I immediately go into a tailspin of fear after hearing about the 12-year-old girl who committed suicide on FB. This cuts my heart up in so many ways. My soul is silenced when my friend tells me. My heart aches. She sends me the link of the little girls’ suicide. I refuse to open it up.

At times when I worry and Autumn is home, I run in her room and jump in her bed with her. I snuggle up with her while she reads her book. I make her take out her ear buds and we talk. Earlier this week, she complains but is laughing, “Momma, why?! It is hot. Stop.” She says. I smile and kiss her cheek and say, “Well, I’m not. My feet are cold. Warm me up” Her: “Your feet are always cold.” Me: “Let me search your phone to see what I can see. What’s your code?” She tells me and goes back to reading her book. While perusing through her phone, I find this text: Her and her friend are discussing their hair issues:

India (is a great friend to her and has long straight hair): “Use the ECO gel on your hair.” Autumn: “I did and my hair came out so short. I did not like it. My Mom used it and her hair looked great! But she used oil on hers and I did not. I am going to use oil and the ECO gel tonight.” My eyes water, I turn to her and smile, “You don’t ever tell me my hair looks great. You just say good or act like I am getting on your nerves. You love me!” Autumn, laughs so.

She has an awesome laugh too. Her natural hairstyle, her choice since she was 9 years old. Our hair textures are different but she has embraced her hair with such creativity and uniqueness it baffles me. Her self-strength is so powerful. What an amazing mirror I have. {An excerpt from one of my original poems: “I see Autumn leaves in the coldest of winter.”~M.} She is rooted well. I am so humbled by God’s love for me.

Therefore, I am going to push aside the “what if” and “if I just had” and also the “but God” and pick my battles, the winnable ones— the God has equipped me battles. I love being her mother more than the fear. Parenting costs so much yet the rewards are priceless and non-refundable. It is impossible to do everything right, I know that but the easiest part is when we do our best for them. We do not argue about social media. It is just an “is” in my home. We have discussed the possibility of Snap chat when she turns 14. So, I am on a journey to learn all I can about that before her next birthday in order to give the right answer to her, yes or no with an explanation of my choice.

I grieve for our children. I love our children; it truly takes a village. Suicide is preventable. Autumn and I discuss the neglected and abused children, teens, her peer group. I smile because her anger, her fight is just as strong as mine. Children, Adolescents have my heart they always will. We all are accountable to all we are connected. Please see the hope in that statement, there is no condemnation nor judgment. None, zilch. We must find ways that show our children they are loved without sacrificing our moral upbringing, without them suffering the residuals of this mean, mean world.

I think if we take a firm and mindful stance to focus on the winnable– our aspirations, hopes and dreams we have no recourse but to line up with what God has purposed for our lives. #TrustHim In all we do there has to be a peace that remains. I am learning this scripture holds so much direction and guiding, Philippians 4:6-8:”Do not be anxious about anything but in everything…”

Discern and pick your battles in every aspect of your life. God has planned for you to win the war. Growing up I did not like kids, did not want to be a mother. If I married, I wanted one child that was it. I remember telling my father I was never going to marry. He laughed along with giving awesome advice. (I will share that conversation later.)  God laughed too! I have four children, married once and divorced. I have been single longer than I was married. I am a grandmother! I am a child advocate, graduate student of Counseling and I teach Sunday School. Oh, God laughed big!! Remain focused on where He has you. Be God-confident!

My heart is all over the place… I hope this read makes sense. It all circles back.

My heart–Intimately worded,

A. Michelle!

 

 

Geeked!!

by A. Michelle!

What God wants…

Happy 2017! I have committed to living a better life…no resolutions. Great things happening this morning, Wednesday, January 4 has led to a shift in perspective. Although I am able to encourage others (not just shoot off cliches) I find myself in the “dumps” quite often.

Early morning I receive a text requesting that I speak at a Book Club event. I smiled and agreed. My friend, requested and suggested the topic to speak on: the “work” needed in the “Sisterhood” era. Earlier this week I tweeted my thoughts on Self-care:

Click on link: https://www.instagram.com/p/BOvSoQCjiE0/?taken-by=nit_one

I smile at her suggestion, our communication and reflect. During my graduate interview in 2014, I was asked by the panel, “What population do you think you will have trouble serving?” Me, “To be honest, its not a matter of trouble. Its a fear. I fear working with Black Women and that makes me feel guilty. They are a population I feel I cannot reach. There is so much hurt there. I can’t understand it and it bothers me so.” Dr. S, “Than there is where you are most needed. Your greatest fear is entry point to your greatest triumph.”  I side-eyed her, she is African-American. I thought to myself, pssh if I am accepted I am not dealing with anyone I do not have to. My plan was to maintain a B average and avoid the difficult. God has other plans. Accepted in, A average and I did not avoid any difficulties…I worked. I studied. I cried. I counseled.

As my day progresses, I review assignments for my next class: Substance Abuse Counseling. I am excited that we have the previous professor we had in our Crisis Counseling course. She is awesome! My final course, Gender Counseling is taught by another professor I adore so my nervousness in achieving all A’s is swept away. I am able to do the work. I have learned as a grad student that apprehension about a course has a lot to do with learning the professor and the way they teach. Once the final two courses are completed, I begin my practicum and internship in May. Finding and researching the correct placement for my counseling career is exciting, slightly overwhelming. I emailed two more resumes and requested contact information for spots in Domestic Violence and Sex Trafficking of minors. I will be a practicing student counselor. Oh my!

One of the assignments in the Substance Abuse course is to abstain from one certain thing and journal our progress for the next 8 weeks. I have chosen to abstain from sugar. I have practiced the Daniel’s fast several times and although it takes great discipline, I enjoy it. The healthy results gained were fast, effective and practical. I am intrigued with how I will progress in abstaining from sugar as a project assignment. Especially, after I was a dessert pig over the Holidays.

I am looking forward to traveling and attending counseling workshops with my cohort. We get to meet one classmate’s mother when she visits. We have been pressing through together for three years; meeting mothers are a treasure. (I love the Elders)

The Little Ones return to their regular schedule of school and homework. They were not excited this morning yet this made me smile too. Their ways, their reactions I am learning to devour every chance I get. Time is so swift. Brutus’, “two more minutes” are the most endearing because he mumbles it and pulls me in for a hug. Autumn’s, morning “mm-hmm” and conversations on the drive to school remind me so much of myself. She said, “I already know they are going to be asking me for my pencils. I am going to say no. These pencils are my fav, the eraser just does not stick straight up you know. They twist up. You know I bought three packs. (Big sigh, smiling). It makes me feel better knowing I have them and I will not run out. Its 9:05, not late and not too early. Bye, Mother.”  My teen, she is a stickler for wanting things a certain way. (We cannot just write with any kind of pencil. She buys pencils!!! Lol) #motherhoodbliss

The career hunt is still a career hunt. I am maintaining a consistent belief that God is my provider. After this stint of unemployment, something wonderful will come. #bigHope #BigGod

Just a quick blog message, I am going to enjoy 2017 moment by moment. You do the same! Nothing is greater than walking the path God leads us on, for there; there He has equipped us for it all. Dig deep. Go further. Faithfully pray and do good works. #necessary work

God’s grace,

Michelle, Counseling Graduate

When Faith does not Fit: My 2016 in Review

by A. Michelle!

Me…
Our serious faces. I win.
My Sister Keyna with Me. (always)
My Little Ones
Autumn and Bru
Grandbaby Dawn Michele

My family circle grew–first grand baby girl; oldest son engaged–new daughter. Blessings!  Two more courses in my Master’s program to complete. Blessed!

Graduation and exams loom. Smh, I am already looking at doctorate programs. Yet, I think I will sit down for a minute. My professors, mentors consistently support my educational goals. They, PhD holders refer and inform my ideas and wants to others who have the greatest minds in counseling. I am president-elect of Chi Sigma Iota Mu Chi Chapter. I am chair of the Chapter’s quarterly newsletter. I am to form a scholarship fund aimed with supporting single women who are head of households and are dedicated to pursuing their education in the Master’s program of Counseling. I have registered with another scholarly program that will put me in front of professionals, professors in the teaching realm, because my mentor told me I should. My thought: I’m just some little country girl who loves and there is no way my mind can compete.

My friendship circle has shrunk and that is okay. Either people want to be there for you or they do not know how. Sometimes their behavior is more self-preservation than unfriendliness. Don’t stop. Do not quit. You really matter to a lot to people, more than you think.

“I met someone.” That commercial is so sweet. No, I haven’t met someone. I originally planned to give serious effort into re-entering the dating world. As of this date, no date this year and that is okay too. I have male friends–that are business associates and their actions are indicative of waiting for my equal, for that someone who is willing to meet me where I am and still be equipped to grow together come what may. For example, the Little Ones’ Christmas wish was answered by a gentleman, just out of the blue. Remember, there are more good people with good hearts in this world. Do not lose sight of their goodness.

I do not think what I am wanting is any different from anyone else seeking a relationship. In faith we learn how to wait, we try to do what is right. It becomes hard to believe when Someone is not the one. I blamed myself for so much. I gave so much time trying to figure out why Someone doesn’t want me. I ate and thought about it. I stopped eating and thought about it. I walked and thought about it. I prayed and thought about it. One scripture remained with me for weeks, “…in all your getting get an understanding.” Proverbs 4:7, KJV.

My understanding, 1. I will keep my hope, without settling. I refuse to let my heart become bitter, rocky and non-conforming. 2. My love life: Recently, I realized that I think I fell in love with a potential…because I gained back 20 lbs of the 40 I lost. Rejection does so many things to our psyche. The more I think of love, the growth and the capability of receiving it seems inconceivable. Someone should care enough to not place me in that position. Right?Right. Enough of that, I am back on my Michelle grind, learning that neglect is a force of continuation not a place of stagnate. Self-worth requires discipline and redefining. Growing into what God wants us to be–requires a different perspective that aligns with His will for our lives.

I have been unemployed all year yet financially the important bills are paid. My family roots are God gifted. I do a lot of volunteer work and part-time work. God is completely in control. The not having a job, the potential heartbreak, family issues, our world difficulties, and life has broken me in different ways that I am unable to understand. For the last 6 months, I have been hurting, pretty bad in every aspect of my being. All I know, what I know is so changed, so different. I want my life back…well the life God has purposed to begin. Now. This transition phase hurts and seems to be taking forever. I am so lost. I feel so inadequate. So much is coming and I no longer feel capable for any of it.

My blog readership has grown, thank you! 2016 Stats include 709 total views, 20 countries. These numbers excite me so! A few of the top viewed posts this year are:

“Broken Relationships,” https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/01/18/broken-relationships/

“Heart Moments,#NecessaryWork,” https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/09/26/heart-moments-necessarywork/

“Rejection…#BeginAgain,” https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/07/27/rejection-beginagain/

“Lion’s Den and the Vulnerability of Belief.”  https://amichelleexperience.me/2016/04/17/lions-den-and-the-vulnerability-of-belief/

As a writer, I love that I am able to read over my work and be encouraged by what I have written no matter what phase of life I seem to be in. Especially, when my faith does not fit.

The final “faith-all” of the year: I will be submitting the first draft of my first book to a woman who has never backed down in her covering of me. A wow for me: I completed my first book! Yet, the process that comes with completing a book, editing, publishing, and marketing leaves me woozy and completely frighten. We meet Friday! 🙂

In 2017, I pray our faith walk will continue to lead us towards God’s evident promises because Faith will fit the fixes.

Note: Know that God’s love is greater in levels than we could imagine. Find Him where you think you are lost. He is there. One favorite scripture when I am broken: “Who is this that cometh up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved…” Song of Solomon 8:5 KJV

We will come out of the desert. Happy New Year! Resolute to keep faithing, even when it doesn’t fit.

Me intimately worded,

Michelle

A Christmas Eve Note

by A. Michelle!

 “Love yourself. Accept yourself. Be honest about what heals and helps you. Then you will bring your healing gifts to others. Your life will be a gift to the world.” ~Melody Beattie

One of my favorite events of Christmas is trimming the tree. I completed the trimming this morning. I was very ill earlier this week. Yes, there is a point in putting it up this late, it is my joy! Also, I remember. I reflect on each ornament. There is so much love,  so many memories… Damien is now 27, and now has a fiancée!! Darius gingerbread man hangs crooked–he was created in 1997 and has survived many breaks. I have glued him back together several times during Darius’ gravity defying superboy years. Smh/lol.  He is now 24. Autumn & Brutus'”new” ornaments with their initials. As they hang their individual ones, (I love their banter.): Brutus:”You know “B” is always at the top.” Autumn: “A” always come first.” As she hangs hers higher. I am a grandmother and my first grand baby brings me the greatest joy–her love is the reason for my illness. I could not put her down no matter how she coughed and sneezed. Oh she is getting so big, my Plump Plump.

 I have beautiful old ornaments passed to me by my deceased Mother-in-Law. The way I decorate all my Mom, deceased now 4 years. I remember so much of how I grew up with family …I remember my oldest brother Wayne teaching me the tricks of cooking grits. “Michelle because the instructions say 5 minutes. You do not stop there. You cook them longer than 5 minutes.” This morning we had grits for breakfast. (Not something I eat daily.) I remember walking over our land and picking out our Christmas tree for Daddy to cut down. I remember all my Waxhaw Christmases. #Tillman

My children do not realize the joy of trimming the tree yet. The toils of youth!  The thought of trimming the tree is cumbersome and they want to do something else. I cherish this time, it is very dear to me. I give pause and think of so much that has brought me to this day, my now. So much has happened in my life this year but that will be another blog post. I promise to share. 2016 has been amazing and amazingly difficult yet I have not lost sight of how God does what He does.
Reflect. Remember. Receive. Giving back to self requires many non-worry moments. Light your candles, play the Christmas music, fill the kitchen with the smells of baked cookies and favorite cakes. Listen to the laughter of children, of family. Love more because you are capable. We are equipped with the gifts to love, to love others and to be loving. Gift the world with your presence. We were created in His image for so much more.
Live love. Love self, it is imperative that we do. Be great at expecting God’s best for you. What we gift out, boomerangs purposely. Continue in God’s grace for your life. Do not doubt His love for you even though it feels and seems like He hasn’t heard a word of your prayers. As He justifies, He prepares. Merry Christmas!

Season’s Best,

Michelle & the Tribe

2016-christmas-tree
Christmas Tree 2016…my Angel Woman’s head. My tree is 7ft tall…I wouldn’t have it any other way. #tiredoftakingpics #thisisthe bestshot

Heart Moments #NecessaryWork

by A. Michelle!

I have a tendency to listen more than I advise. It makes me smile, being aware that I am capable of that particular attribute. #lifelessons

Volunteering has opened my eyes to so much more than an individual’s present circumstances. I volunteer with the Child and Adolescent population in different roles. Lately, my work has included working with teens that are recovering addicts. All male and of all races. They have my heart. It amazes me that so many are addicted, so young, so many trying to cope with life, their way.

I do not see myself as the typical counselor. As I journey towards licensure I pray that I do not lose sight of caring. The type of intimate caring with your heart that becomes easy to lose in all the rules, policies and regulations. I tend to mother first. I am quiet more than intrusive. I have learned in the most difficult way to be quiet, to listen.

It becomes laborious to think outside the box when policies and set therapeutic techniques are the norm. We cannot touch, hug, and show any kind of affection. We know not to preach, fuss, and become a parent to them. These rules are for my protection and quite different for me for I am a mother and I was raised old school in a two parent home. (Most of them just need a good switch and their mouths washed out with soap. I digress. Lol.)

One day while visiting the park, I listen to Brandon. He is 15 years old, Black, appears kind, great dimples. I ask, “When did you become aware of your family’s use of drugs?” He responds, “Four. I was four years old.” My heart breaks. He has seen a lot. He has become conducive to his environment. He has done more criminally than a grown man has. He is 15.  Me, turning away because I am about to cry, “I would hug you but we can’t do that. You know there is more out here. More to life.” Him: “I like my environment Ms. Michelle.” Me, heart completely shattered: “I know. I know you do.”

Our conversation bothered me so much. Why should I be this bothered? He is receiving necessary help. I find out that this is his second time in. For weeks, the word “environment” and his predicament weighed heavy on me. I called my older sons, Damien and Darius. I questioned them on implementing a journal technique, getting the clients to write. Both respond: “Not sure why you think writing is going to help them kids.” It kind of hurts when your children tell you your thinking is off base. The more I learn of Brandon’s life, the more I felt helpless. My thoughts, he is receiving what he needs. He has counselors. He is going to his NA meetings. He is going to be fine.

Yet, the way he talked, his topic of conversation did not change. He was still going to rob people, commit home invasions, and maybe not get high as much but he would still carry out the same behavioral actions. The more I kept telling myself I could not improve the system the more depressed I became. Helping is about change. Volunteering is about improvement.

As God worked my heart, an idea began to form, EFL, Equine Facilitated Therapy. A proven therapeutic technique. I spoke with my Director. She gave me the go ahead to pursue. Throughout all the required business details, I kept quiet. I just knew this was going to fall through. I presented my proposal as a recreational activity. The Director accepted as an additional therapeutic technique for the Adolescent clients! My family responds: “Good, Momma.” I know this is huge; pretty mega. I laugh and I am so giddy.

Oh, how I wish I could share photos. I love confidentiality; I do but man I wish I could share photos. First session: the experience is exciting and unbelievable. Brandon, leader, aka tough guy is the most fearful. Kenny is as well. Remember, all these teens have some sort of record. Yet, they are quiet, scared, and respectful of these great creatures.  Of the twelve, Brandon and Kenny hide behind me, and counselors whenever the horses move. At least eight, take to the horses. They are working as a team to guide, walk and command the horses. Kenny, the one so afraid is able to lead and command the toughest horse there.

As we are watching him, his counselor says to me: “He has been shot twice. Gangs are trying to kill him. He is a tough one. His dad abused him. His mom doesn’t want him.” As she is speaking, I am watching this child smile; laugh, talk and I cannot hold back my tears. Me: “I need to take the time to read their files.” Her: “You haven’t? You put all this together without reading their files. Look around you. I have never seen these boys this way. Good job.”  I smile more, whisper to God a thank you and take more pictures. Brandon, my ringleader has not taken to any of the lessons given. He actually has the other clients surrounding him for protection. Smh, awesome leadership skills. He states he does not want to come back. (The EFL therapy is mandatory!) However, our second session he is riding. He even coaches and reassures me as I ride.

EFL is more for the teens but as I learn and bond with the horses, I am learning so much more about myself. At times, the sessions are so intensifying…its overwhelming to come face to face with your past, your Self in front of others. What I am learning about me at 46 years of age….I am a good person. That although I have been told otherwise and been made to feel inferior over the years I know that my heart is pure. I am proud of me, of who I am, of where this journey is leading me and it is wonderful to be okay with myself. #becoming

The responsibility of communicating with an animal that weighs up to 1600 pounds and it is just as furious about surviving as we are is humbling phenomenal.  I come home completely drained from the experience, happy. The emotional, mental and spiritual content, connection is difficult to express, another reason I have not blogged for a while.

Listen to the nudges, pricks, ideas you receive. They should cause us to go deeper, reach further. The possibility of change begins within us. Do the necessary work, it will influence the future. We can.

Love the journey,

A.Michelle!