Writer’s Block…obstacle: Self

                   “Fear must not be a greater champion of your dreams than you are.” ~A. MichelleConfident

I have a tendency to put things off, not necessarily a procrastinator but “I will do it later; “I need to be in the mood,” type of person. My writing desk has everything on it and in it for “my to do later.”  Does any of it include writing? Nooo.  Magazines I promised to read, recipes I will try later, bills and more envelopes of bills, books I need to read, encouragement cards I received paperclip w/their envelopes because I self-promised to write the sender a thank you, later….. yet, I only send a text. Smh/smiling.

This morning I clean off that desk, I organize, I shred, I empty; I actually trash the unnecessary! I keep the unread Cosmo magazines, lol. Although my sex life is null and void my want to have it is not negated, in addition I think I have forgotten how. (Laughing) Yet, “38 Hot Sex Tricks,” and “Crazy Hot Sex Moves He’ll think about all year long” these article titles caught my eye…there was something about exercise moves for a flat belly.  But let’s be realistic my opportunities of achieving a flat belly are pretty much over. My goal list includes lose back fat and find a sex life (with a monogamous, sane male, within my age range, employed, self-motivated, intelligent, etc.)!  Keeping Cosmo could possibly be a plus, one just never knows.

Once cleaned and organized, I count how many writing idea books, writing journals I have accumulated. There are six and one completed stage play. I sit back and look at my work.  I should feel proud but I feel a sense of shamefulness. I’ve let myself down…that sweet, innocent, naïve 16 year old girl who was so full of letting her writing lead her, make her, empower her and encourage others is very disappointed in Self. I pause, taking moments to remember her and I begin to smile. I remember Her! Through it all, the momentous, the painful, the good, the bad, the ugly, because of/ in spite of Life…..twenty-nine years later and I can still remember her.

During moments in our lives we tend to take the backseat on our talents, our gifts. Dating, marriage, children, family becomes our focus. Do to my own fear, I truly held the belief that my ex-husband should have the chance to become stabilized in his career, his wants first. Once he/she is gone, then the focus becomes the children—we want better for them; once again we compromise—push for that non-fulfilling job for stability and financial reasons.  Overcoming is a requirement of life, yet if not adequately carried out it can begin the shift of forgetting Self. Our worlds can be turned upside down when we want more for another than we do for ourselves.

We are in charge of Self— no one, no want, no sacrifice should cost you Self. So I will continue to do more for me, much more than regretting. Remember, acknowledge, smile and move forward to grasp ahold to what you already know. God just doesn’t dilly out uniqueness for you to shut it down. 🙂

You are amazing!

~A. Michelle

P.S. I still haven’t read the Cosmopolitan articles. I will do it later. 🙂

Love on Top!

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable,
you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,
and all that is left is a compromise. –Robert Fritz
2014-11-09 19.13.18
It is easy to fall into the resolve of not dating, to be alone. The choices are very limited due to a person’s perception of you and what they too want for their life. If you remove all the circumstantial propaganda and be truly honest; finding love or waiting for love to find you takes greater skills than internet dating, one night stands, club “hoping” (not a typo), Facebooking,  other social media quickies, friends with benefits and blind dates.
 
The difficulty in the remaining alone phase is that you can be easily deterred. Your ability to see more of your wish list rather an actual reality happens quite a lot. I haven’t ever been so independent that I don’t want a man nor so needy that I lose my own identity in trying to get one. I think you have to develop an even balance of wanting and waiting. (That comes with time.)
 
I have this amazing son, the youngest one, my Brutus. He has the sweetest going-to- be- an- awesome-Man characteristic of any child I know. His father walked out before Brutus was 12 months old, before potty training, before learning to tie his shoe. Brutus has two older brothers, Damien and Darius. They have moved out of the home and are doing well.  So there hasn’t been a man around for him to watch, to observe. Before you get all mushy and what not, read.
Sunday, our pastor called all to the altar for a unity prayer. Pastor stated, “Bring your pocketbooks.” The whole Church chuckled. The same hand I am holding Bru’s hand with holds my pocketbook. As we are praying he grabs it and whispers, “I’ll hold this for you.”
 
After Church, we are shopping and the rain begins to pour heavily as we are leaving. We dash it and Brutus runs to open my car door first before getting in the back seat. I wanted so much to pick him up and squeeze him so tight. He just melts my heart. Oh and it so what I need…to be appreciated, to be shown chivalry. His genuine acts of love combat the inopportune thoughts of settling, the doubts of not being enough, and the wonder of being too much.
 
I have no idea why, how, nor who he gets this from but I am in absolute awe of how God works. Brutus is eight years old. I don’t know what I have done to be blessed with my little fella. When Damien and Darius were younger they did not do these things for me. Yet, I didn’t miss it nor did I realize I was missing something.
 
As a mother of three sons and one daughter, a grad student, a fulltime employee, a volunteer, a friend, a sister and now new blogger; Life can be quite cumbersome, unexpected, challenging, unyielding, amazing….. Most days I am left wondering why and what for. One more tidbit: when I am worried, lost in thought, cooking, being a mom he will give me a kiss, a hug without prompting. Asleep, way in the wee hours of the night  when he refuses to sleep alone my Brutus still slides his hand across my belly and holds me just so. I smile, peacefully.
 
I know everyone doesn’t have a Brutus but you are blessed…..just take the time to find it and you work from there.  Faith it the right way, your way. No pressure.
 
You are amazing; Continue!  
 
~A. Michelle
 
                                                       Proven throughout time without reprove…..Love gives. ~A. Michelle

Autumn and Brutus: Summer Vacation 2015

My Two
More than I expected. Summer 2015
This is our first Summer vacation alone, no big brothers or friends to join us. Of course we head to the Beach. They love the water and they swim like fish. While planning, I am little apprehensive…. can I be the “fun” Mom on vacation and still protect them with only me watching. My older ones are off in the world, living and they are happy. How much relaxing will I be able to do and will the retreat I need from “the world” be enough for Self? I have a few things coming up in the next few weeks I need to prepare for mentally.
 
So I make the reservations and the Little Ones’ excitement doesn’t hit until the day we leave. Now there are all these rules….Brutus: “No electrics Momma. No homework. You can’t be busy, it is our time.” Autumn:  “I just want to have fun. I can take my stuff to create, right? What is our itinerary? Do I need to make a list?”
 
Our last few days without “electrics,” just being with them is what life is all about….getting back to the basics, remembering why you do what you do, counting my blessings as I see them jumping the waves….Brutus laughing, screaming and running from Autumn in glee because he tagged her….they are simply beautiful. Their happiness is genuine, unique, theirs. How amazing they are. As a mother, a single mother there are so many times and things you believe you do wrong. Yet,  as I sit here listening to the Ocean with tears running down my face….I love their love. Their resiliency, their capability to forgive and move forward, their ability to stand. So we are good, we are better than ok…..I’ll remain in the journey not just on it. 
 My phone rung a few times, each time Brutus, very protective: “Who is that? Don’t answer it. Our time.” Of course, their Auntie Keyna called. She is my little sister and still treats me like I am the youngest. I gave up Facebook and Instagram. I actually tuned away from the world, the white noise. I am not the type of person that becomes engrossed in Social Media that it becomes my emotional dumpster. I don’t use it as a vehicle to hurt anyone nor as a pedestal to attack or voice my opinion on matters of the heart.…we have to encourage one another. It wasn’t just their laughs I enjoyed. I observed others; other families, children, extended families, couples that were happy, enjoying the present. 
 
Of all the stresses we endure to protect, raise and educate our children…its worth it. I will continue trusting in God . I have to continue being the best in their world because I value who I am and what I am to my Autumn and my Brutus.
 
As a parent, a father, a mother, be coupled or single…if we continue to do what is required of us God will do the rest. God works diligently behind the scenes. Remain in the fight, it is so worth it. 
You are amazing by choice.
~A. Michelle

Potential-Hopeless- I can’t know…

Autumn & Me

“Single is a status not a right.” – Michelle

So I met this guy at the pool Friday, Father’s Day weekend. I am the only mother at the pool. Autumn sees a school friend she knows and they along w/ Brutus begin to play. I am sitting at the far end, alone, texting my sister Keyna about being the only mother at the pool. She tells me I can have my pick of the men. I tell her all of’em got issues.

Guy: “Ma’am, ma’am?”

I turn and he says, “Thank you. Thank you so much for bringing her. Great timing.”

Me: “You are welcome.” I text Keyna some more and I am thinking if he says something else I will walk over to him. Be more open. Make a friend.

A few minutes later….

Same guy: “Ma’am, ma’am,  Again it is great you came out here when you did. I get to have some me time while they play.”

I size him up, he has his phone, tablet, portfolio and all this stuff surrounding him. I figure he is married. I will be in a safe zone. I can be me without pressure. So I walk over, extend my hand and introduce myself.

His name is Mike.

Me: “The ants are taking over down there and we were only going to be here for an hour. I didn’t bring anything.”

Mike: “I just happened to bring Off today. You can use it on your feet.”

Me: “You don’t mind?” I spray my feet and arms. (I notice he gives me a look.)

Mike: “No, not at all. I appreciate you coming when you did. It seems they know each other well. From school?”

I sat down in the lounge chair beside him.

Me: “Apparently. I don’t remember your daughter or seeing you at the elementary school.”

Mike: “No, they are at different middle schools this year. The principal is great at my daughter’s school.”

Me: “That is great. So they know your face at the school?”

Mike: “Oh yeah, most definitely.”

We talk more about school, our kids, life insurance (who does that?), family vacations and him.

Background: He is 48 years old, employed for 25 years, separated for a year, has a girlfriend. Definitely getting a divorce.

He leaves to refill his drink and get his daughter a drink & snack. He comes back w/ Cheez-its. Offered them to me. I say no. He says: “You know you want some Cheez-its.”

Me: “I am thirsty. You didn’t bring me nothing to drink but offer these dry a$$ crackers. You selfish” He laughs out loud.

We talk more. He leaves to go get me a drink, and he touches my knee. Mike: “For the record you know you walked over here. You flirtin? Imma smoke my cigar. You mind?”

Me, laughing, “Not flirtin. You got issues–legally separated and already have a girlfriend. No, I don’t mind the cigar.”

Mike, laughing: “You might wanna slow down.”

He leaves and comes back w/ a drink for me. We talk more. He turns on some music. At the pool, under the stars and the laughter of children. So I am thinking how long it has been since I have been around a Man…he smells good, got all his teeth, kind, sweet, funny….the sky lights up w/ lightening but no rain and the breeze is just wonderful. Great vibe but he has extenuating circumstances. I tell myself to chill.

We are out there until 10:15 pm. Shake hands and exchange numbers. Our girls do the same. As soon as I get home I get a text: “You want me?” I didn’t respond. I laugh. He resend the text. Me: “Yes, but you are not in a position to be wanted. You are not available” We text for 3 more hours..

Now I try to avoid anything that will disturb my spirit when I have to teach Sunday School. (Not the perfect Christian but teaching is a great responsibility.  Leading God’s folks astray will not be on my resume. Jesus will not be “eyeballing” me.)

I go to sleep and stop texting. Saturday I study my lesson as well and other school work. I avoid my phone. At 1:21 am he calls, hangs up. He texts: ”Do you give ####?” My response: “Does your girlfriend? Your wife?” He responds:“Please forgive me.” “Do you forgive me?” “I shouldn’t have asked.” The “forgive me?” texts go on for hours.

I ignore the texts and go to sleep. I don’t fall into any kind of emotion; men are strange. Someway, somehow strange seems to find me. I refuse to let his actions disturb my thoughts.

So I will continue to be Nun-like….nun of yall getting any, nun of yall got any sense, nun yall can’t be alone? Nun yall realize what’s in front of you and nun yall just nun yall. 🙂

The saga encounters of the hopeless, the White Men, the Elderly and the Toothless continues.  Really God, all I did was divorce, happily divorce….lol!

Remaining hopeful. You do the same. ~M.

When I write….

A. Michelle

So, I am doing this….blogging! I am ecstatic, leery, scared, apprehensive, protective and very sensitive when it comes to sharing, yes even with writing.

We can pick and choose the amount of “stuff” we want to reveal to others. Yet, I think writing reveals more than surface, more than black and white….. depending on the reader–what you receive is what makes you;  the reader, the writer unique.

So bread my butter, like my posts, comment, encourage me to do more. I only ask that you read and enjoy. As well as smile, chuckle, laugh, agree, disagree (without hurting my feelings.) be generous, love and be loving.

My blogs are my experiences, my take on what is happening in my life. At times my special moments will have you laughing out loud or reflecting with a “Wow.” (I hope so.)

I love to write— writing since my teens. I didn’t really want to blog, it seemed like a great undertaking with all that I have to do.  I asked my oldest his opinion of creating a personal website versus blogging to share my short stories. I know he was shaking his head as he text, “That is blogging Ma. You should do it.” He is 25 years old. My Damien, my genius.

My Autumn states, “I think writing will free you.” She is 11 years old. Pretty smart kid.

I have two other little people who call me Ma, Darius, 22 years old and Brutus, 8. They each make my world what it is at this moment….extraordinary!

I appreciate you Trish Jones, Paulette, Trena B! and my sister Keyna for pushing me, laughing with me and encouraging me to reveal my “Me” to the world. Kisses!

You are amazing,

A. Michelle!