Intimately Worded with Michelle

Category: Relationship situations

  • After the Session

    After the Session

    Written by: Michelle Tillman, LCMHC

    May is Mental Health Awareness Month

    #HealthyLove

    Working as a therapist, we are privy to hearing life stories, an individual’s experiences. We listen to their pain and their victories, the simple, small, and big things. Self-love, self-care, and wellness are synonymous with great health, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Lately, I am noticing a trend: we no longer know how to be in a healthy relationship nor do we know what one looks like. Across all societal norms and other corporate platforms, we are demanded to forgive (without processing) and negatively “coached”, argued with, and hurtfully told we are wrong for wanting more. Social media, reality shows, and life challenges normalize dysfunction; we learn to accept pain as a reward, we measure love by difficulty and hardship.

    We tend to move into relationships out of loss and/or a specific want, losing sight of what we need. A client once shared with me: “I do not want to date out of circumstance. Does that make me selfish?” I responded that it was one of the most powerful statements I have heard in a while: “I do not want to date out of circumstance.” What a refreshing thought process, one that requires strength, recovery, self-discipline, and confidence.

    Relationships have become unhinged at the cost of “influence” and social popularity. Toxicity and narcissism have become synonymous with band-aid quotes and placating sentiments: “Go to therapy.” Yet, there is not any evidence of real change. We recycle patterns and repeat our past with someone new. Rarely does anyone commit to the hard work. We unknowingly agree to be in relationships without ever understanding the difficulty in creating new patterns and different thought processes nor the impact of trauma.

    I encourage you to recognize and learn red flags. Understand that red flags signify that this does not feel good, that this person is not for you and that “fixing” others is never a winning concept. We cannot “fix” people. Below are a few tips when seeking healthy relationships:

    1. Stay present and connected to your personal values.
    2. Do not date out of circumstance. Self-validation and self-prioritization are key.
    3. Know that any relationship is destructive when it decreases your quality of life. 
    4. When a partner disrupts relationship with your immediate family life, demanding you cut off direct communication: RED FLAG!
    5. There are several Thinking Traps that can get in the way of creating a healthy relationship: concealing, impediments, emotional responsibility, mind-reading trap, the truth trap and the victim trap.

    “It is okay to feel sad after making the right decision.”

    Remember you are wanting a healthy relationship that is good for you, that nurtures you, your growth, your life. Truly, settling for a “trending” companionship should never be an optimal option. I believe there are so many other consequences when we settle. I encourage you to trust your journey, honor your pathway and love with purposeful intention for every aspect of your life.

    Intimately, my prayer for you is to be healthy, loving and free—your way without harm and without selfishness. Continue to do your work, your soul work.

    Intimately Worded,

    Michelle

    Disclaimer: The post provides valuable insights on healthy relationships and the impact of societal influences. The language and tone are engaging, making the content relatable. It effectively encourages self-reflection and awareness, offering practical tips for fostering healthy relationships. Overall, the post offers meaningful advice for maintaining healthy relationships amidst societal pressures.

    2–4 minutes

  • Intentional Journey

    May is Mental Health Awareness Month

    2018-2019
    2020-2021
    December 2020
    May 2023
    #SoftLove
    Different 🔥
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  • Keeper of My Soul

    Photo of a nearby trail I frequent.

    #Friendships: I am so grateful that Fall Season is approaching. I love Nature; I move forward within my peace when I am in nature. I grew up with my family and my first cousins being my best friends. Later, my intimate relationships would be the focal part of bonding and establishing friendships. During and after my divorce my circle became even smaller. Reflecting back, I was dropped out of friendships due to my singleness. Funny, that’s when you need the most support from friends and family. 

    Divorce is not only devastatingly personal, it will hit children, family members and truly affects your financial status and inner circle. I focused on my children, went to grad school, changed careers, tried to build and be in serious relationships…I’ve never truly dated. I do not know how. What I know: life may get complicated and heavy yet having true friends that encourage and support you is needed. 

    My friends’ differences are great and they love me in their way; oftentimes their way of love benefits me. Friendships should. Lately, I’m struggling with the singleness, the generational changes I see, the lack of community and unhealthy connections. I find it paniful the loss of humanness, of being kind, the old love that touched communities, that reached further than what was in front of you.

    I work a lot—it has kept me out of trouble and out of the way of those that are troubled. I love what I do for a living. I had to sacrifice and grow a great deal—my independence shows. I think people who have a peek into my life would think it is all I do, work. I have purposed my life with my children…I did and do what I have to do for them and for myself. Recently, I was asked what I do for fun after catching this person up with the latest transitions of my life. The question hit me wrong. I’m telling her details about my work life because she asked. Fun? Am I unfun? #LongBlink #DeepBreath

    Another friend, as we were discussing relationships and I was told what I’m looking for (healthy relationships) doesn’t exist. Well, I stopped arguing with others many moons ago. I don’t think friends truly understand the impact of their words and what potential damage those words could carry. That question and statement came from friends, colleagues. I find myself searching my past, my pain, those wounds, that is tedious and undoing. With ever growing resolve, I believe God has been better than good and has done better than He promised with my life. #Freewill is not about compromise. I’m learning it is about showing up even when we’re unsure how. It is hard, healing work.

    What I was revealing to her —was the fun parts for me. I love my grand girl’s visits. She’s so funny and quite loving at 6. I support my teens, we have a great time together when they are not closed up in their rooms. I love writing and reading. I love a good movie. I love home. I love solitude. I love mommy-ing my two older adult sons. I enjoy how the tables are turning and they “watch over me” now—making sure I’m okay. My Mater and my Bear. I love continuous education on the impact of trauma. I am learning to love my work-outs…I’m happy. I’m productive not just busy. I truly laugh more than I cry. 

    Are there times I feel invisible, alone? Do I want to be in loving relationship with a good man? Yes, but I know enough to not monkeypox my way through anything that affects my being, my wellness negatively. I know this life journey better than most because it is mine. I know that grace leads and follows me in every millisecond of my days. I’m better. I’m whole and I’m healing. I’ve gotten this far because of love and how I love. I’m reminding myself, “I’m not perfect. I haven’t done everything that right right nor am I without mistakes yet I’m faithful.”  I’m faithfully trusting if I take one step God will take a thousand. I’m not walled up and nor was the last love of my life the last love of my life.  

    What I know: Love is recovering. Love is healing. Love is change. Love transitions. Love is honoring your journey. Love is sacred. Keep going for what grabs you when you’re good and doing good. Trust your soul for the future. Keep healing. I support you. I see you. I love you.

    Psalm 121: “…..the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”

    Intimately worded,

    Michelle

  • Hearing God—-Through Panic

    Hard week with work and with Life. I had to make some hard decisions, not difficult just hard. There is always something. Something to do; some place to be; somewhere we’re required to go. Oftentimes, our to do’s are monotonous, familiar—then they become something bigger, different, something new. #Challenges. As I reflect, I’m asking myself did I pause enough to hear from God? Follow my intuition? Did I rush to solve due to my soul’s discomfort?

    I have a lot on me as a single parent. I believe we all have struggles; I’m my human me with struggles. Financial hardship—any episode of lack or substantial amount throws me a huge crippling gut punch. I do not like it; I know this so I prepare; save and prepare. I am learning different aspects of my fears, concerns and love.

    I love structure. I love familiarity. I love better, I feel better when knowing the how and when of things exactly. I prefer being able to “see.” I know I am at a different stage of my life. Lately, growth seems like soul stretches and the pain burrows deeper than the latest experience. I know blessings. I know God for what He is in my life. I know the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet, none of it feels like it is happening the way I want or pray for—His will, grace and freewill just shows up for my better and intentional. I’m learning to take deep breaths better. I’m learning this heaviness is not mine alone.

    I know beauty as well. I know how the rhythms of life come together to heal us in those secret places. I know there is no emotional depth in which God cannot reach me, teach me. He loves me, my perfectly imperfect self. I believe Love works differently for each of us…allow it to work for you even in ways that seem foreign, real different and not necessarily the path you’ve envisioned. I’m learning not to suffer, unnecessarily. There’s no way for me to out love or out-know what is before me or what is manifesting its way towards me. I know my panic to be just as real as my faith. I’m willing to unlearn the old, the familiar. I’m no longer comfortable with avoidance. I have the capacity to study myself with love and gentleness.

    I pray your new week gives way to clarity of your next steps. I pray the pain that keeps you stumbling is removed. I pray you give healing the options your soul deserves. I see you. I love you!

    Intimately Worded,

    Michelle

    #MichelleMoments: Where are you in your faith? Are you doing well in practicing your faith, exercising the strength of your faith walk. I like to think I am practicing my faith with love. I was taught the stronger one’s faith the better we become in creating an intimate relationship with our Creator. Some of the answers we seek do not come easy, yet they come. Trust your pathway; it is personal.

  • Healing: Necessary Work

    I know I haven’t blogged in awhile. As this world continues to be lopsided, broken and undergoing intense psychological warfare on Humanity; I find myself consistently in a weird wounded type of movement. Open, learning, yearning yet not passive nor suppressed….Defiantly Intimate.

    The Process of Unlearning

    Since last post, I completed my required 3000 hours under my deadline goal of two years—I completed them in 18 months. I have submitted my application for approval for full licensure. I have improved my selfcare with purchasing fresh flowers for my home, just because I like the idea of them. Even with this quarantine, I remain available for my children, my grandchild and my patients. I’ve tried to date….men are exhausting. That’s a whole other ordeal. #MyLife

    Living Black does not leave me disconnected from any of the News, the headlines, the atrocities. Racism, the hate isn’t new. The resurgence of the Black Movement is painful, magnetic, intense and divinely necessary. This is more than a moment. Do your work, you matter. #SystemicAwareness

    I want to write about the process in healing. When healing, you’re not moving pass it. You’re moving through it. Healing requires acknowledgment before insight and foresight are gifted. How are we to reconcile when the hurt is not recognized? This is where its not about “how you made me feel” takes root but rather having the capacity to self-advocate with, “You hurt me.”

    I understand that we do not like conflict. Yet, it is divinely irresponsible to limit the pathways toward your healing. This is where you begin your work. We tend to rationalize reaching down or reaching backward for the very same systems, person or people that broke us.

    Be willing to overturn and unlearn systems that benefit from the crushing of Humanity: WE are a powerful people. Good wins; it should. Allow people to leave when emotional maturity is lacking, when spiritual identity becomes foggy, distant, unreciprocated. Give space —huge amounts of space to those who are incapable of making room for you. Move differently. You are worthy of healing.

    Intimately Worded,

    Michelle

    Writer’s Favorite Work: Lion’s Den and the vulnerability of Belief is one of my greatest written work to date. Take a read or re-read.

  • For She Loved Much

    This weekend I am off (this is so rare) and I sat on my patio…felt the breeze of the wind on my skin, I did not have to rush anywhere. No counseling, no assignments. The weather was unexpected– cooler than it has been. I noticed the blue of the sky, the green of the leaves on the trees…my recently planted peppers are starting to bloom, my flowers not so much. I breathe. I smile. Daily I commit to reading my Bible, as well as some different devotional books. In reading the excerpt in the Bible of Jesus raising a Dead Girl and healing a Sick Woman, Matthew 9:18-25, a couple of things placed me in a thoughtful mode. Women are powerful and oftentimes how we are is marginalized or interpreted less than positive. During my reading, I tend to analyze and associate my life with the lives of the women in the Bible. Not perfect but faithful. I am far from a Biblical Scholar; however, I am forever a student.

    Nowhere in the Bible was a woman isolated –left alone. Even when Hagar ran—ready to give up, desperate to get away, to die even with her child: God sent her back. He promised her better yet He did not explain how it was going to get better.  He was sending her back to what she was running from. She went back; she obeyed…blows my mind each time I read it.

    Of my experiences, I know abuse of any kind left unchecked will affect different levels of our lives within different phases. Our childhood despite great parenting may and will dissipate; melt into an intangible, become creased with pain, often sadness will occur, coupled with unworthiness and suspicion. What we learn and what we know due to our experiences will become a part of us –it all keeps us—often we use “it” as a protective barrier.

    We, women, we isolate a lot. We pull away. I know I keep the broken pieces hidden well. Through the years and yes it has been years I am learning that transitioning from the emotions of girl-like deadness to continuous healing, to vowing to live and love complete is work. #soulwork I am learning that I have learned to accept rejection –my way, with my own definition. It is difficult to re-frame, remove and grow in your healing. There are different aspects, camouflages we self-incorporate in order to mask what we know, what we will not acknowledge as well as to what we hold on to. #heartwork

    “Don’t be so loyal to your suffering that healing doesn’t stand a chance.” ~ginamoffia.com

    In the times of our deepest pain, the assurance of God’s presence can provide comfort, a comfort that without our knowing commensurate with current and past pain. He is All-Knowing. The great thing is even in our moments of desperation, we tend to develop a genuine confidence in our Higher Power, certain of His power to heal, to make things better. Within my desperation, my faith is undeniable; faith is my driving force regardless of my circumstances. I was told once that my faith was wonderful…this weekend I am leaning towards believing that.

    Back to the strength of women, we are nurtures, we love: the woman with the issue of blood, her condition is desperate both for medical reasons and because of its social consequences; her ostracism would extend even to her private life, she was alone, isolated in her being, within her illness.  Yet, her faith trusted her to not make herself known, not to call for Him but to press forward within a crowd of people to touch,  just touch the hem of His garment. Her faith, her belief in the possible was her healing.

    I encourage you to push pass any significant pain that causes insecurity, anything that is less befitting of your future. All may not go as we plan or how we hope—do not allow confusion to outweigh your perhaps. Press forward, hope for greater and above all keep going. Pursue your healing, evolve with His promises…allow healing to persist and remain present. Be better in getting better, for we love much. {Luke 7:47}

    Intimately Worded,

    Michelle

  • Seeking Intimacy, Living Intimately

    Sunset 2As I watch the sunset and see the different colors of the upcoming dusk of the evening I pause…God is everlasting. With all we go through, Life has this way of negotiating our emotions with perseverance, new rules, implementing boundaries, regulations, uncertainties, skeptical faith, insecurities, dismal hope in our beliefs and mind-boggling blows. Our spiritual can become weaken, reaching the bar seem inevitable, defeating almost.

    Intimacy… knowing whom you are, learning who you are, as well as being able to live within those learning moments are rare. Yet, somehow, it all comes together. God’s wisdom.

    We have the greatest benefits to this life when we believe in the grander and recognizing the opportunities of living life wide open. Counting the different colors of the sky, vivid colors unlike those of crayons…why is it that we can see God’s work in the sky, with the stars and feel Him in the breeze of the wind yet we blindly believe He is unable to complete the same work in our lives. Take a moment to think about how we tend to resolve things in disappointment, how we pause in believing in the possible and turn them into impossible. Our way.

    We do not know the future, we never will. I believe we should hold onto the hope that the allowance of intimacy leads us to. The intimacy that friendship, respect and communication incorporates into bonding, and often times in letting go. Allowing another into your thoughts, your actions and your past gives them an initiative to enter and remain in your life. Do not withdraw from where you are…you have grown, you are growing, remain focused on living life to the best of your abilities. You are worth it. Remember in all you do in letting go that you give yourself permission to heal; it is a required gain into loving, living deeper than you imagined. {Ephesians 3:20}

    I hope you live your life in peace…spending time and with great efforts to seek your peace. Take ownership in living your best life, with intimate hope. Stop shortchanging your life by giving so much and expecting so little in return. You deserve the best, believe in You. #Hiswork

    Intimately worded,

    Michelle

  • Chapter 47 #birthdayblog the beginning…

    Selfie_August 2017

    I am not forsaking the last 46 years, I am blessed. I am humbled and ever so confident in God. His works are undeniable. This past week I attended a beautiful wedding where African Attire was required. We are a beautiful people. I attended the funeral of a great friend…her mother was –is her world. I wear my pearls in honor of her memory and my mother’s as well. Our mothers’ are the salt of the earth…they make us you know…they make us in spite of their dreams, in spite of the things they want for themselves. How amazing is the role of mother. In addition, with some dread…I am being matched to date….it has been five years since I have been on a date. What a birthday week!!  I love new experiences and value the past ones. Year 47 will be exceptional!

    My life thoughts:

    1. God works within our prayers to show His purposes for our lives.
    2. Others’ happiness can flow over to us but it is up to us to pick up the pieces they leave us.
    3. I am learning that life is grand only if you live it!
    4. Support the ones who support your dreams …without a price.
    5. Our world is relevant to what we do. What we put out returns back to us.
    6. I love being a mother it is far more rewarding than we believe, even with all the sacrifices and …I am good at it.
    7. Damien!
    8. Darius!
    9. Autumn!
    10. Bryant Wade aka Brutus!
    11. Love in spite of how we define it… it wins on its on merit.
    12. Friendships are fundamentals it indicates how we care for one another.
    13. Spirituality although renowned  is one of the most evolutionary, specific and rare experiences that will last forever.
    14. Do not always be aggressive learn to wait in hope.
    15. There is work in the wait.
    16. Connections make you vulnerable yet the real ones last a lifetime. Keep them.
    17. Love more than you hate.
    18. Although forgiveness is a process, forgive anyway. We are unable to stop the hurt. Reflect. Forgive. Move forward in love.
    19. I am okay.
    20. I am worthy of the good.
    21. Your intelligence is an asset…grow it. Share it. Use it.
    22. Hate cripples.
    23. Self-loathing destroys what God has created.
    24. Growth requires new experiences.
    25. Guarding your heart comes with responsibilities, listening and obeying. Do not guard it with barbwire.
    26. Family is the core of our existence. Love them.
    27. Racism is real. God is bigger.
    28. Our biggest fight is to love who we are.
    29. Our greatest fear is not being loved for whom we truly are…we fight to hide and hide to fight.
    30. Self-care is paramount.
    31. Sleep is wonderful, it is when God is doing so much for us and through us. Learn to rest well.
    32. God loves whom He creates. He cannot not love.
    33. Psychology and counseling is what I am great at doing. It is a gift and though heart wrenching I am committed.
    34. Giving birth is life changing; forever.
    35. When the ones we love walk out, it hurts but it is the beginning of so much more. Work through it.
    36. Encourage others; it matters. Fellowship is key to relationships.
    37. You are greater than anything that comes your way. God in all His infinite wisdom ordained it so.
    38. Comparison is the thief of joy.
    39. We indeed reap what we sow. Sow with love.
    40. Love is simple, respectful and honorable. There is not any gray matter.
    41. Do not human up what is spiritually required of you. Freewill is God given. Jesus paid the price, once. He does not have to repeat it.
    42. Adoption is unrequited love. Do not human it up.
    43. Our gifts are our freedom. Develop it. Follow through with it.
    44. Dreams come true with hard work and trust.
    45. Do the necessary #work.
    46. Safety is not a guarantee…it should be with the ones who profess their love for you.

    Chapter 47 …new one. I am determined to live life loving better, living wonderfully and assisting in the greater good wherever and whenever I can! ©

    P.S. I am excitedly afraid of the possibility of dating. A big sister type of friend says, “Not dating Oh not we cannot have that.” She has been on a mission since Wednesday. #mylife

    Intimately worded,

    Michelle

  • Happiness

    #SundayLove  Selfie_August 2017

    Happy Sunday Family! Don’t focus on the mess, you will miss the miracles. #encouragement

    I woke this morning refreshed, happy. Yesterday, I committed to my own Saturday self-care as well as celebrated a young cousin’s elevation into marriage.

    Last week: Wednesday, I awoke with hives. Stressed. This was after supervision with my site supervisor Monday and my professor’s supervision, on Tuesday. I was so bewildered and confused of why my body was attacking me …well protecting me. I do my best to make sure self-care is a daily practice. Thursday, I met with seasoned therapists that laughingly told me this was normal. Hives, cold sores , hair falling out, and mind-fogs were expected! If I didn’t have these things happening something was wrong. I smiled. God intercepts, intervenes when we believe all is wrong and the path chosen is skewed somehow. Remain focused and be encouraged on this journey. Where you are is not without promise.

    I believe our happiness is conducive to what is within. Our happiness is uniquely demonstrated in how we treat others and in how we accept what goes around outside of us. I have learned to protect my happy. (smile) It is hard work, especially when it takes years to develop and define happy.

    Happiness, peace and joy are different narratives yet carry the same wholeness required to live celebrating life. No one has the ability to grow your happy…only you can do that.Happiness is in you. Grow it. Share it. You matter. #takecareofyourYou

    Intimately Worded,

    Michelle

  • Flux to Crux…Part I

    ©©When it hurts to write (my number one love), when it hurts to counsel, when it hurts to breathe…within my crux. My well is dry. My give is limited. My encouraging spirit, well it is in wound. This is new. There have been times in the past I was unable to write. This is different; my life experiences are genuine, unique. I try my best to learn from them and move forward. I hold no ill will towards anyone.  This is more than hurt feelings, more than depression, more than overworked, more than transitional. All of me is in such a painful turmoil; my thoughts, my spirit, my body…yesterday I cleaned my face with fingernail polish remover. Smh/laugh, I did.  Yet, I know this is more than I need a vacation phase.

    I am not sure what this is, what it means. I quit social media for a minute. I have been fasting since May. I have taken the necessary steps to welcome this transition and yet it seems I am still failing.

    My flux—Monday through Wednesday schedule is when I give all of me to others. Monday: work, see clients, facilitate grief group. Tuesday: work, see clients, and attend class. Wednesday: work, see clients, facilitate divorce group. Thursday: work, work on proposals, homework, more counseling projects. Friday: looks like Thursday. Saturday & Sunday: self-care days…even with some sort of training—in ethics or sex trafficking and conducting prayer hotlines. I think my self-care is suffocating because I do not know where I am at, who I am becoming. In addition, how is it possible that there is more to life when it all hurts?

    I am alone in my crux. I see, hear so much hurt. From planned suicide to displaced wives and children to grieving individuals. Their hurt pains me so much and I know to run, walk, talk, pray for them outside of my counseling sessions. I do not carry their weight although the heaviness is substantial. I could list all my credentials, my leadership roles, my accomplishments, my wants yet it still is what I did —not what I am doing. I have only the premise that I am in the middle of something huge and I cannot go backwards nor move forward in front of God. It all frightens me.

    “There is nothing My Holiness cannot do.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Fighting for joy…to keep it…to live with it and in it in spite of what I see, of what I hear and no matter the mistreatment keep fighting for joy. My purposes are my purposes…God-divine. When things come up hard, when reasoning makes no sense, when everything seems to fall short, when the fluxes of this life overwhelm we must remember all that God requires is never easy. Jesus, His son suffered more than anyone. He set the standard for being obedient to God’s will. He won. His victory is for us to win as well.

    There will be times I cannot be all to everyone. There will be times my spirit of encouragement is nil. There will be times when how alone I am in this world flattens me. (When Daddy & Momma are gone, it is a whole other kind of growing up.)

    I do not talk. I do not complain. I encourage. I smile. I cover up. While in this transition phase one person said to me: “There’s something behind that smile.”  I broke down. I cried. Not those hard cry just silent tears. There is my brokenness. There is the pain of being told my last seven years are a farce. That my struggle, my fight to be a counselor is of all things–unethical.

    Normally, I have a few choice words for people who intentionally harm or disrespect me. I have my say. I am my best advocate. Yet, this time the weight of others, of it all, of this journey made me pause. I give. I give a lot. I give out. This time, for this moment I gave in. Whammy after whammy is depleting. The core of everything I am, everything I am becoming has to be fought for and I am tired.

    “I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the Lord says and how he[a] will answer my complaint.” Habakkuk 2:1 (NLT)

     There is peace in my wait. There is more of me in my wait. He is there for me in my wait. I awake smiling. I enter my space, my chosen time alone is outside where I can see, hear, smell, touch, breathe in His love. There is where I begin…within my crux. I am trusting God to do His possibles for me and for you.

    His grace.

    Intimately worded,

    Michelle ©

    Fyi: For those who do not know I am in the practicum/internship phase of achieving my master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. 

    Beauty Selfie (2)
    Beginning 2009 or 2010

     

    Michelle_June 9 2017
    In between June 2017.  (at my daughter’s graduation from Middle School.)