Autumn and Brutus: Summer Vacation 2015

My Two

More than I expected. Summer 2015

This is our first Summer vacation alone, no big brothers or friends to join us. Of course we head to the Beach. They love the water and they swim like fish. While planning, I am little apprehensive…. can I be the “fun” Mom on vacation and still protect them with only me watching. My older ones are off in the world, living and they are happy. How much relaxing will I be able to do and will the retreat I need from “the world” be enough for Self? I have a few things coming up in the next few weeks I need to prepare for mentally.
 
So I make the reservations and the Little Ones’ excitement doesn’t hit until the day we leave. Now there are all these rules….Brutus: “No electrics Momma. No homework. You can’t be busy, it is our time.” Autumn:  “I just want to have fun. I can take my stuff to create, right? What is our itinerary? Do I need to make a list?”
 
Our last few days without “electrics,” just being with them is what life is all about….getting back to the basics, remembering why you do what you do, counting my blessings as I see them jumping the waves….Brutus laughing, screaming and running from Autumn in glee because he tagged her….they are simply beautiful. Their happiness is genuine, unique, theirs. How amazing they are. As a mother, a single mother there are so many times and things you believe you do wrong. Yet,  as I sit here listening to the Ocean with tears running down my face….I love their love. Their resiliency, their capability to forgive and move forward, their ability to stand. So we are good, we are better than ok…..I’ll remain in the journey not just on it. 
 My phone rung a few times, each time Brutus, very protective: “Who is that? Don’t answer it. Our time.” Of course, their Auntie Keyna called. She is my little sister and still treats me like I am the youngest. I gave up Facebook and Instagram. I actually tuned away from the world, the white noise. I am not the type of person that becomes engrossed in Social Media that it becomes my emotional dumpster. I don’t use it as a vehicle to hurt anyone nor as a pedestal to attack or voice my opinion on matters of the heart.…we have to encourage one another. It wasn’t just their laughs I enjoyed. I observed others; other families, children, extended families, couples that were happy, enjoying the present. 
 
Of all the stresses we endure to protect, raise and educate our children…its worth it. I will continue trusting in God . I have to continue being the best in their world because I value who I am and what I am to my Autumn and my Brutus.
 
As a parent, a father, a mother, be coupled or single…if we continue to do what is required of us God will do the rest. God works diligently behind the scenes. Remain in the fight, it is so worth it. 
You are amazing by choice.
~A. Michelle

Potential-Hopeless- I can’t know…

Autumn & Me

“Single is a status not a right.” – Michelle

So I met this guy at the pool Friday, Father’s Day weekend. I am the only mother at the pool. Autumn sees a school friend she knows and they along w/ Brutus begin to play. I am sitting at the far end, alone, texting my sister Keyna about being the only mother at the pool. She tells me I can have my pick of the men. I tell her all of’em got issues.

Guy: “Ma’am, ma’am?”

I turn and he says, “Thank you. Thank you so much for bringing her. Great timing.”

Me: “You are welcome.” I text Keyna some more and I am thinking if he says something else I will walk over to him. Be more open. Make a friend.

A few minutes later….

Same guy: “Ma’am, ma’am,  Again it is great you came out here when you did. I get to have some me time while they play.”

I size him up, he has his phone, tablet, portfolio and all this stuff surrounding him. I figure he is married. I will be in a safe zone. I can be me without pressure. So I walk over, extend my hand and introduce myself.

His name is Mike.

Me: “The ants are taking over down there and we were only going to be here for an hour. I didn’t bring anything.”

Mike: “I just happened to bring Off today. You can use it on your feet.”

Me: “You don’t mind?” I spray my feet and arms. (I notice he gives me a look.)

Mike: “No, not at all. I appreciate you coming when you did. It seems they know each other well. From school?”

I sat down in the lounge chair beside him.

Me: “Apparently. I don’t remember your daughter or seeing you at the elementary school.”

Mike: “No, they are at different middle schools this year. The principal is great at my daughter’s school.”

Me: “That is great. So they know your face at the school?”

Mike: “Oh yeah, most definitely.”

We talk more about school, our kids, life insurance (who does that?), family vacations and him.

Background: He is 48 years old, employed for 25 years, separated for a year, has a girlfriend. Definitely getting a divorce.

He leaves to refill his drink and get his daughter a drink & snack. He comes back w/ Cheez-its. Offered them to me. I say no. He says: “You know you want some Cheez-its.”

Me: “I am thirsty. You didn’t bring me nothing to drink but offer these dry a$$ crackers. You selfish” He laughs out loud.

We talk more. He leaves to go get me a drink, and he touches my knee. Mike: “For the record you know you walked over here. You flirtin? Imma smoke my cigar. You mind?”

Me, laughing, “Not flirtin. You got issues–legally separated and already have a girlfriend. No, I don’t mind the cigar.”

Mike, laughing: “You might wanna slow down.”

He leaves and comes back w/ a drink for me. We talk more. He turns on some music. At the pool, under the stars and the laughter of children. So I am thinking how long it has been since I have been around a Man…he smells good, got all his teeth, kind, sweet, funny….the sky lights up w/ lightening but no rain and the breeze is just wonderful. Great vibe but he has extenuating circumstances. I tell myself to chill.

We are out there until 10:15 pm. Shake hands and exchange numbers. Our girls do the same. As soon as I get home I get a text: “You want me?” I didn’t respond. I laugh. He resend the text. Me: “Yes, but you are not in a position to be wanted. You are not available” We text for 3 more hours..

Now I try to avoid anything that will disturb my spirit when I have to teach Sunday School. (Not the perfect Christian but teaching is a great responsibility.  Leading God’s folks astray will not be on my resume. Jesus will not be “eyeballing” me.)

I go to sleep and stop texting. Saturday I study my lesson as well and other school work. I avoid my phone. At 1:21 am he calls, hangs up. He texts: ”Do you give ####?” My response: “Does your girlfriend? Your wife?” He responds:“Please forgive me.” “Do you forgive me?” “I shouldn’t have asked.” The “forgive me?” texts go on for hours.

I ignore the texts and go to sleep. I don’t fall into any kind of emotion; men are strange. Someway, somehow strange seems to find me. I refuse to let his actions disturb my thoughts.

So I will continue to be Nun-like….nun of yall getting any, nun of yall got any sense, nun yall can’t be alone? Nun yall realize what’s in front of you and nun yall just nun yall. 🙂

The saga encounters of the hopeless, the White Men, the Elderly and the Toothless continues.  Really God, all I did was divorce, happily divorce….lol!

Remaining hopeful. You do the same. ~M.