#NewThings: Embracing the newness of things. Learning to let our light shine after dark times and during the difficult moments. Learning how to want the better while unlearning the hurt of our wounds. Healing is not a measurement of how good things are going in your present.
Trust yourSelf more with each decision youāve made to be where you are. Love comes and how it flows for you is the healing process. Weāre always evolvingā¦our healing is a journey. Level up with grace. God is intimately intentional.
Iām still moving within my goal word for this year: trusting mySelf. Try your best not to minimize any parts of your life. You are worthy of your workāeven when it is difficult.
Growth and healing will continue to be a hard process. Grief, loss is seemingly consistent; often it brings and leaves us in places unfamiliar. Do not lose your way in fearing whatās next. Learn to be, with love.
I am reminded of the gentleness and generosity of #God. Grief does not miss anyone. We lose our love Ones. We want something entirely different than this type of loss. Although as painful as it is, grief and healing is not about forgetfulness or any particular destination. I encourage you to see yourSelf, to allow healing into those hidden places and within your prayers. Do not minimize where you areā¦youāre worthy of healing and of love. I pray your day leads you to nurturing and replenishing your soul. Youāre worth of your journey.
This work week has been a tremendous time of grief and loss āstaying present with others as I proactively listen and assist them in their grieving process is challenging; in reflection, it does my heart well.
āAs far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.āKarl Jung, psychiatrist
Take care to take care of you. Do those things that comfort your soul. I see you. I love you.
Intimately worded,
~Michelle
Vulnerability will guide youāyou choose. šš
Iām not afraid of the unknown. I tend to get stuck in the not knowingā¦and that becomes quite tricky, rather unsatisfying; in some moments punishing.
We do not have to settle with hurt and we should try our best not to settle with it. I know it is difficult and often feels normal when we settle with pain. Pain becomes our comfort, a comfortable familiar dysfunction, more friend than foe.
Iām on a new dating app and all I want to do is try, have great communication, and see. Iām told by my friends I should be with someone who matches my love. I think so too. Iām learning to be available without giving heavy access to others; to enjoy the simple things. Know the difference with nurture vs blame: our roles in our relationships change.
It is fascinating how we’re in the relationship and our partner knows us, listens. Then suddenly it becomes our fault, this emotional pain, our walls become our default. We shoot fires of what-ifs: Why do you do what you do? This wouldn’t have happened if you did what you were suppose to do. We take ownership of the mistakes, the mishaps, the wrong in their perspective. We punish ourselves with, āI should have done better.ā We bypass the nudges, the emotional learning curves , the red flags with the mentality, “I will try to fix itā or “I’ll do better.” The blame becomes a cycle, a cycle of toxic behavior. A cycle of you doubting yourself, you trying to figure out what suddenly happened. Total train wreck, a complete train-wreck. I’ve been in situations, predicaments in which I am treated like a āqueenā yet the second that there is an indication of independence, of learned liberty, of liberation, it is squashed, insulted. Now another rejection where there is jealousy and intimidation voiced with insults and growing resentment; conflict. #DeepSigh
Early this morning, while on my walk I saw what I thought were red wild roses. I thought how odd that they are growing so randomly along this trail. Upon further inspection, I realized they were flowers of blackberry bushes. I love blackberriesā¦it starts out as a beautiful flower. I have forgotten that over the years.
I hear Tupac: āSome say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the rootsā¦
Because there’s too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you’re looking fearlessā¦
You gotta keep ya head up.ā
Songwriters: Daryl L. Anderson / Roger Troutman / Stan Vincent / Tupac Amaru Shakur
I encourage you to keep growing, protect your healing in your process, love this journey to the next pathway with compassion and integrity. Youāre deserving of the good things too.
Bloom exactly where you are; with God we are different. #SoulWorkInYourWait
āI am going to bring … recovery and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.ā Jeremiah 33:6
#goodread#WFH, my choiceAllow the #Godstuff to happen
I no longer am game to run on empty, to love on fumes. Inadvertently, we have learned to produce, busy ourselves on empty. Our moms did it as well as our grandmothers; we learned by observation, what we saw The Village doing. Women, we consume what we think works best for us, (as individuals) when we are often the nucleus of our families. Hardly a soft-landing. Scratching my head, it seems the middle of things is the hardest part of this journey. I have learned that it is not the beginning nor the newness that is the most difficult. My personal statement for 2023 continues to pop up consciously: #intentionalgrace…I’m not feeling graced nor graceful these last few months and all is not terrible. I’m leaning more into the flux of my creativity, sitting with the faithfulness and the stillness of things.
Iām reflective, conscientious in showing up in the difficult places and Iām happy; things truly are falling into blessed places, making room for intricate spaces. I am able to identify the external factors of my lapse in not flowing with my creative abilities. I readily identify my emotions and process the nudges, the whispers…I’m attune with my intuition. I am able to recognize the internal and soulful things that push me off kilter, off my structure for cultivating peace. I am also self-aware, I love being my way through and acknowledging my yearning for “stillness.”
Big, big things are happening in this world and those big things are heart wrenching and at times unyielding. I’m learning to answer those whispers to call, to reach out to others. I smile when I hear their joy in hearing my voice. I’m learning to hear, to listen to reciprocate and to want as much as I give out. Love seems to be so far removed from all the new things, new ways, new this, new that. What I know, strength is love; love is strength. Remain mindful of the good things, of good people…we’re all trying to find our way.
My prayers: āMay I not settle in my disappointments, Heavenly Father.ā
Be encouraged: “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” ā Hebrews 12:11
In my therapeutic profession, this weekend and new week is an emotional one: Saturday, September 10: World Suicide Preventation Day. Sunday, September 11: Remembrance of 9/11. In my personal life, Monday, September 12: My eldest son’s birthday. This week the local market has #sunflowers for $5.00.
I’ve learned my hometown has grown a field of sunflowers that one can visit. Sunflowers are one of my favorite flowers. I continue to seek the simplicities of life and I yearn more for my soul than yesterday.
I am reflective this heavy weekend and how inclusive of celebrating life I try to be. I’m learning that my self-care consists of familiarity, many must-haves and structure. I like it that way. Of course, there is spontatneity which often brings in great joy. It is Sunday morning and I’ve washed my face, brushed my teeth…made up my bed, put on my fuzzy socks and I’m mentally planning my day. I checked my emails and the thought hits me….”I’m always working and my work includes caring for others.”
My work emails include questions on individual trauma recovery or taking another educational course on trauma. I read, respond if it is a quick answer. I pause and tell myself, prayer time, coffee, outside before it gets hot, do some stretches and yoga. Write and post your blog. I am proud of myself that this is my third Sunday in row, blogging. I smile. I beleive often we’re equipped within to reframe the heaviness, move it around a bit. I tend to think we’re here for reasons bigger than we think, without being aggrogant yet genuine, authentic. I know we’re to love and be loving. I also know we’re to be here for one another in whatever capacity that benefits us—that is not selfish. #BoomerangEffect
So, I’ll purchase $5.00 sunflowers for my home. Later this week, I’ll anonmously deliver some to a person I know is struggling with how LIfe is coming at them. I’ll continue to be there for my Tribe. I’ll show up time and time again for this woman who’s hair is turning more white than grey yet she still seems to smile back at me in the mirror…somehow different yet the same. #Making Room
“We must go down to the very foundations of life. For any merely superficial odering of life that leaves its deepest needs unsatisfied is as ineffectual as if no attempt at order had ever been made…”
~I Ching/ “The Well” (circa 2500 BC)
Love yourself just a wee bit more this new season. #Autumn #Change
#Friendships: I am so grateful that Fall Season is approaching. I love Nature; I move forward within my peace when I am in nature. I grew up with my family and my first cousins being my best friends. Later, my intimate relationships would be the focal part of bonding and establishing friendships. During and after my divorce my circle became even smaller. Reflecting back, I was dropped out of friendships due to my singleness. Funny, thatās when you need the most support from friends and family.
Divorce is not only devastatingly personal, it will hit children, family members and truly affects your financial status and inner circle. I focused on my children, went to grad school, changed careers, tried to build and be in serious relationshipsā¦Iāve never truly dated. I do not know how. What I know: life may get complicated and heavy yet having true friends that encourage and support you is needed.
My friendsā differences are great and they love me in their way; oftentimes their way of love benefits me. Friendships should. Lately, Iām struggling with the singleness, the generational changes I see, the lack of community and unhealthy connections. I find it paniful the loss of humanness, of being kind, the old love that touched communities, that reached further than what was in front of you.
I work a lotāit has kept me out of trouble and out of the way of those that are troubled. I love what I do for a living. I had to sacrifice and grow a great deal—my independence shows. I think people who have a peek into my life would think it is all I do, work. I have purposed my life with my childrenā¦I did and do what I have to do for them and for myself. Recently, I was asked what I do for fun after catching this person up with the latest transitions of my life. The question hit me wrong. Iām telling her details about my work life because she asked. Fun? Am I unfun? #LongBlink #DeepBreath
Another friend, as we were discussing relationships and I was told what Iām looking for (healthy relationships) doesnāt exist. Well, I stopped arguing with others many moons ago. I donāt think friends truly understand the impact of their words and what potential damage those words could carry. That question and statement came from friends, colleagues. I find myself searching my past, my pain, those wounds, that is tedious and undoing. With ever growing resolve, I believe God has been better than good and has done better than He promised with my life. #Freewill is not about compromise. I’m learning it is about showing up even when we’re unsure how. It is hard, healing work.
What I was revealing to her āwas the fun parts for me. I love my grand girlās visits. Sheās so funny and quite loving at 6. I support my teens, we have a great time together when they are not closed up in their rooms. I love writing and reading. I love a good movie. I love home. I love solitude. I love mommy-ing my two older adult sons. I enjoy how the tables are turning and they āwatch over meā nowāmaking sure Iām okay. My Mater and my Bear. I love continuous education on the impact of trauma. I am learning to love my work-outsā¦I’m happy. Iām productive not just busy. I truly laugh more than I cry.
Are there times I feel invisible, alone? Do I want to be in loving relationship with a good man? Yes, but I know enough to not monkeypox my way through anything that affects my being, my wellness negatively. I know this life journey better than most because it is mine. I know that grace leads and follows me in every millisecond of my days. Iām better. Iām whole and Iām healing. Iāve gotten this far because of love and how I love. Iām reminding myself, āIām not perfect. I havenāt done everything that right right nor am I without mistakes yet Iām faithful.ā Iām faithfully trusting if I take one step God will take a thousand. I’m not walled up and nor was the last love of my life the last love of my life.
What I know: Love is recovering. Love is healing. Love is change. Love transitions. Love is honoring your journey. Love is sacred. Keep going for what grabs you when youāre good and doing good. Trust your soul for the future. Keep healing. I support you. I see you. I love you.
Psalm 121: “…..the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”
Pain has purpose, I hear that a great deal. I believe the statement to be true. Pain has purpose and I’m learning to heal with it: the pain and the purpose of the pain. I’m learning that quietness and confidence leads toward greater strength. I’m following grace and no longer leading grace. It has been another Earth Year, another birthday. I smile. I reflect. I pray. I breathe deeply and I praise God for all of intricate, unearthing, undoing and unlearning of 52 years. I am honoring my journey more.
I scheduled a few days off to celebrate my birthday; however none of the week slowed down, my stillness was high jacked and I found it difficult to sit, to deep breathe. I believe we often take for granted the days weāre given and the time we are to spend with one another.
Our souls will get weary, our physical gets tired and the mental fatigue with personal and professional life is challenging. I do not often want to go, go, go. Iām learning to not grow bitter in my living. Iām learning to release those and their actions when being helpful, productive turns towards hostility.
What I know: I have become very protective of my time. I have learned to value it more. I long for moments of solitude, of quietness. I do not feel like I need to be seen for you to āseeā me. #Epiphany
Iām unlearning that my softer isnāt weakness and Iām loving this part of my growing 50s. Iām doing things different and hopefully, better. #Smile I will celebrate this birthday without a flood of anxiety and busyness. Iāve scheduled me an integrative Thai Massage and Iāll spend a day with a friend lunching and antiquing in a small townā¦next month. I encourage you to trust the bigger of these days, the good things of this life. Love yourSelf better and those good humans you want/and or have will always find you.
I pray that you see your miracles, live your answered prayers and love your healing path. Knowing that we want to heal and need to heal does not protect us from doing the work. Healing is hard, life grows difficult in most parts of our journey; trust where you are. I beg you not to start over just begin where you are, begin again in those moments. I love you. I see you. ~Michelle
“When the time is right, I, The Lord, will make it happen.” Isaiah 60:22.
Reader Takeaway: Pay attention to how people pull at you and what they pull from you. What parts of you are you giving away? How much does that particular giving wounds your soul?
Hard week with work and with Life. I had to make some hard decisions, not difficult just hard. There is always something. Something to do; some place to be; somewhere we’re required to go. Oftentimes, our to doās are monotonous, familiarāthen they become something bigger, different, something new. #Challenges. As I reflect, I’m asking myself did I pause enough to hear from God? Follow my intuition? Did I rush to solve due to my soul’s discomfort?
I have a lot on me as a single parent. I believe we all have struggles; I’m my human me with struggles. Financial hardship—any episode of lack or substantial amount throws me a huge crippling gut punch. I do not like it; I know this so I prepare; save and prepare. I am learning different aspects of my fears, concerns and love.
I love structure. I love familiarity. I love better, I feel better when knowing the how and when of things exactly. I prefer being able to āsee.ā I know I am at a different stage of my life. Lately, growth seems like soul stretches and the pain burrows deeper than the latest experience. I know blessings. I know God for what He is in my life. I know the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet, none of it feels like it is happening the way I want or pray forāHis will, grace and freewill just shows up for my better and intentional. I’m learning to take deep breaths better. I’m learning this heaviness is not mine alone.
I know beauty as well. I know how the rhythms of life come together to heal us in those secret places. I know there is no emotional depth in which God cannot reach me, teach me. He loves me, my perfectly imperfect self. I believe Love works differently for each of usā¦allow it to work for you even in ways that seem foreign, real different and not necessarily the path youāve envisioned. I’m learning not to suffer, unnecessarily. There’s no way for me to out love or out-know what is before me or what is manifesting its way towards me. I know my panic to be just as real as my faith. I’m willing to unlearn the old, the familiar. I’m no longer comfortable with avoidance. I have the capacity to study myself with love and gentleness.
I pray your new week gives way to clarity of your next steps. I pray the pain that keeps you stumbling is removed. I pray you give healing the options your soul deserves. I see you. I love you!
Intimately Worded,
Michelle
#MichelleMoments: Where are you in your faith? Are you doing well in practicing your faith, exercising the strength of your faith walk. I like to think I am practicing my faith with love. I was taught the stronger one’s faith the better we become in creating an intimate relationship with our Creator. Some of the answers we seek do not come easy, yet they come. Trust your pathway; it is personal.
It started snowing here last night. Snow falling is beautiful. I awake feeling healthy, well-rested. I love the light of the sun and snow. I smile; reflecting on my tasks for the day. I answer a few textsĀ and roll back over to snuggle, rest. I am learning to curb self-doubt, therefore, I am going for more writing opportunities. I have a writing project to edit and review. I need to blog and post/ podcast. Later it is Family time, celebrating Dariusā birthday.
I read the news of Regina Kingās son and my heartbreaks. Now, Iām just kind of stuck as a mother, as a womanā¦my soul is wounded for her, for our children, for humanity. We have our heroes and often we believe them to be untouchable, not perfectā¦different, untarnished by Lifeās woes.
Death is hitting everywhere it seems and often close to home. A friend lost his nephew last week. He told me, “I canāt stop crying.” My patients suffer with the loss of loved ones. Weekly, daily, I hear of death and Iām never comfortable with the trauma of itābe the loss kin or unknown. Grief, significant loss can plummet us and keep us stuck in so many emotional and mental ways. Learn to mourn, to grieve your way. No one gets to time stamp your griefāthereās no right way to do this. We love deep and different. The impact of our love ones hits different. Grief is complex and it will become different. Cry as much as you want or need too. Know that tears are a release, not a weakness, not of failure.
Remember them well. Love does not ceaseā¦it carries, moves, heals us toward the unseen and unknown. Keep your Light. Youāre not wrong in your love. Continue to love softly. We are all trying to figure this all out. May your days include you caring for your soul. Iām going to bake blueberry muffins, prepare some soup and love on the ones who love me. Time is short; love well.
My thoughts before and after….my intimate prayers are layered: “I ask for complete healing. I pray for a good report of the mass being benign. I ask, that You, Father, Creator, to be with me in whatever I may experience and or hear Thursday.” My tears have been unstoppable on most nights upto Thursday morning, 12/23. Thursday morning, my sister picks me up and we head to my appointment. She is told she cannot wait with me in the waiting room due to the new variant. She returns to the car. I check-in and go to the furthest corner of the waiting room and I begin to cry. Well, there is just too much time between waiting and seeing the doctor so all these thoughts occur. I worry on how to do this. I worry that my prognosis is going to be the worst. I worry that I’m too young for any of this…but that’s not a new worry. I feel as if all of my life I’ve been too young for all that has happened in my lifetime. I laugh-cry reminding myself none of these thoughts sound like your prayers. I pull myself together just as my name is called.
My nurse gives instructions to change and states she will be waiting by my door. I change. I cry some more. I exit the room and she’s waiting. Nurse: “Are you ready?” I respond, “No.” She patiently waits until I am. She smiles. We proceed. She goes over all the medical jargon, expectations and how to take care of myself after. I lay on the table, staring at the ceiling as she begins to locate the mass. Nurse: “I can’t find it. I’ve moved all the way to 12:00+.” (I pray some more, believing God has heard me, answered my prayer.) She’s trying for about 5 more minutes and she finds it. The mass moved from its initial location at 2:00-3:00+ (3 weeks ago) to 1:00+. I’m unsure what this means but I think it is a good thing the difficulty she has locating it. (They determined the location of growth/mass by clockwise direction beginning at the center of the areola.)
Dr. comes in and states: “Your mass is in your areola. The fact that it is moving means that there is fluid inside and that usually means benign. That is not definitive you will have to wait for confirmed testing.” He begins to explain the procedure, the sounds I will hear…..he is kind, his voice comforting. I turn my head, close my eyes and practice my deep breathing as they numb the area. I think they can hear me and it bothers me that I think I am a hindrance. I grow quieter. I stay focused on my breathing and not the pain in my areola; my thoughts: it’s not in the deep parts of my breast. I’m still lost; running back and forth from faith to fear, from fear to faith. “Red Rover, Red Rover send Michelle right over.” Once all was over, I honestly can say I felt better after the procedure than I did going in. My results come Tuesday, over the phone not in person. (Coronavirus Measures 101) Deep sigh again.
Biopsy Christmas. Grief. Loss. Another isolating round of this new variant-Pandemic-ish living. We’re not blindly going into this new year yet we’re exhausted. I pray that we will faithfully say goodbye to the fear with renewed perspectives of ourselves, of our humanity. Yes, 2022 is coming in heavier than 2021. I believe prayers, the fact that we have to be inclusive, insightful of all that is happening around us, those things occurring far away from us and within us is quite a spiritual undertaking; it is becoming traumatic, at times depressive. We turn more towards self-defeat and question our whys, neglecting our purpose. We’re not wrong. We are weary. Our souls ache, we are wounded souls.
I hope that you find yourSelf wading through when you’re not able to stand, lean, pray nor comprehend. Our answered prayers do not always reflect what we ask yet they seem to always be what God knows is for our best, at times our betterment and more often than not what we have the capacity to receive. Trust this timing of your life….ask for what you need…love even the more. We’re not lost. We’re finding our way.
Faith read: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” James 1:17 NKJV
In reflection this Sunday morning: My day off…I am still off my routine of things. It was struggle to enjoy my mani and massage pedi. I mindfully had to make myself sit and be taken care of— for they are doing great work.
I’m noticing that I’m struggling within the easy parts of my life. My self maintenance is priority —yet even in that I’m resolved to what is the point. What is the point in all I’ve worked for and towards to be told that “there is something there.” I’m not professing hopelessness or helplessness. I’m still trying to figure out what I did wrong. I believe I’ve had to do something wrong that requires punishment. Right?Right.
Thursday mornings are my spiritual companionship times w/ my Spiritual Advisor. We’ve been together over a year now and I would say she knows me better than most. She affirms me in who I am, how I am, how I love and how I want to be loving. She doesn’t push unless she recognizes that I am not present. She gets me, all of me. Although, this Thursday morning was a struggle too—to hear her, to want to be there. Through this tough time that I am struggling with…I am fussing and complaining about mistreatment towards me, towards others, how this world is cruel at it’s best and it’s worst; I fuss about friendships, about abuse; about it all. She quietly asks me to “overstand, to know that not everyone has your gift.”
I chuckled silently and think, I’m struggling to inner-stand, understand where I am. I acknowledge that, no one is holding space for me. Deep sigh. I am committed to surviving with thriving–this in-betweenness is difficult. This week’s wins: I woke every morning with purpose. I reached out to patients outside of working hours due to their hurts along their journey. I took two vacation days without working and finishing notes. I am planning for workshops in 2022 with strategic hope. I daily connected with my children and spent time with my granddaughter. I talked to my sister and my biological Aunt Shirley. My Koda is without a doubt the most loving furbaby ever.
What I am learning: we love easier when we allow our changes to come softly. When it feels the most is falling apartā¦maybe the transitions bring all weāve wanted to fruition and all is coming together. It all looks different, fearful. Weāve never been in this position before. I never expected love throughout this type of season. Redefine Love for yourSelf. My father told me once: āMichelle you’re just running in the field of flowers.ā Of course, there was an hour long lecture about relationships after that. I was a teen.āŗļø Itās 30 years later and I get it. I comprehend those wisdom highlights more so than ever. I miss him.
I anticipated and wanted āLoveā happy, without sadness, without work. There are consequences to our choices. Undoubtedly, there are benefits to our choices as well. Every rejection, disappointment, their ānoā can possibly set us on an extraordinary different path. Stop attaching your future to leftovers, to what is left. Youāre dodging bullets left and right, Woman! Rise up. Level up. Do you. Protect yourSelf with loveābe loving– intuitively. This is…this betterment is actual; it is what is tangible, intangible. This journey, our blessings are necessary. Our lessons learned. Our experiences personal. Everything is happening for your goodā-even the current pain of right now. Choose You again and again—intimately and faithfully.
Prelude: I am flowing not forcing. I reflect, smile and I asked God for more writing days.
My days, my months, this year has been divine, purposed, productive, exhausting and loving days of hallelujahs. I am living to ādo no harmā to anyone and thriving in my authenticity to be my truly different unique self.
I purchased a gym membership and I show up 2x a week at 5:00 am. I am loving it and finally seeing results after 2 months. Iām closer to entrepreneurship: professional headshots, website. My Tribe is flourishing. As an employee: Iām excelling, scheduled months out and there are bonuses that I forgot about. I witness the healing that will benefit individuals as well as generations and I am in awe of Godās purpose in my life.
Friday, day after Thanksgiving, I show up for my second imaging mammogram. Iām nervously strong, I think. Of course Iām completely turned around due to nerves. Iām in the Breast Cancer Center not Imaging. Mentally cuss the lady that left a voicemail without an address. Now I think Iāve completed a faux pau of predicting my future. Nice lady gave me directions to the Imaging Center.. I walk, yes walk, to the other building. My day offā¦no coffee, full of lostness and anxiety. #Michelle #DeepSigh #EarlyMornings
Second imaging is the worst. Painfully so.
Her: āBreathe. Stop breathing. Move to the left. Face me. Breathe. Stop breathing. Look forward. Look out the window.ā Pain. Pain. I gasp.
Me: āIs it suppose to hurt like this?
Her: āBreathe. Stop breathing.ā
My thoughts: āWhat have I done? Why am I here?ā
She sits me in a quiet area. She comes back.
Her: āYour left breast is clear. We need to do an ultrasound on the right.ā Iām still confused. Really confused but I say okay. She does the ultrasound. I realize she taking the longest time. Her: āIāll go get the doctor.ā I stop breathing. He comes in, black framed glasses and white coat. Heās real. He starts examining, searching. I donāt think Iām breathing. Thereās nothing in my head. No sound. No words. He speaks: āThereās something there.ā
I disassociate. I hear him. My tears fall silently as I listen. My voice whispers, āWhat now Jesus?ā She places back in the room. I cry. I cry for awhile. She places me in another room. I do not breathe as we discuss procedures. Her: āDo you have insurance?ā My thoughts: āWhat if I did not? What happens if you do not have insurance? Does it just remain there? Growing?ā
Iāve never had the greatest relationship with my breast. I was a 36C at 16 and my mother was a Southern Baptist Mom to her heart; everything was covered. My breasts drew attention: Middle school boys, older menā¦they eventually became strangers to me. The alienation continued through childbirth and breastfeeding. I did the self-exams, my annuals they were always healthy, heavy, covered (no pretty lace bras for me) ā¦yet they defined my femininity. They are purposeful, necessary, required. They are mine.
I ask for your healing prayers as I go in for a biopsy 12/23. Currently, Iām crying a lot. Thinking a lot. Putting their future ( my Tribe) in perspective. Trying to thinkā¦unsure of how to process any and all of this. My Tribe knows. The youngest walks away as I am telling my older two sons. I question him later. He responds: āI heard December 23rd. Youāre not dying from cancer. Thatās it. Weāre not losing you to breast cancer.ā
My sleepless nightsā¦.strange. I feel strange. Unfamiliar. I wake up crying throughout the night. I now sleep with a security blanketā¦I wake up holding it. Iām 51. I feel doubtful. Hopeful. Worried. My breasts āalienated. The right one seems more dominantā¦.it never has beenā¦they are disproportionately different in size yet it feels the heaviest. Iām scared. Prayerful.
Life has taught me and taught me well. I stopped believing in my fairytales a long time ago, without bitterness. Nowadays, I see how God places me in the center of my unbeliefs and strengthens me to wait and see, to heal. I am trusting Him for that yet wondering what if it is too big of an ask. Healing?
A few months ago, I silently asked for more writing days, for more āMeā days, for the ability to take more moments to do other things I love: soft launch of private practice, creating a womanās support group, certification as a group psychotherapist, seemingly my goals, my wants are coming to fruitionā¦.all of this I am working on. Trusting Him for those things.; the tangibles. What I know, He answers our prayers His way.
Intimately Worded with Michelle 
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