Crossroads, where I am.

Phewwy. Yuck. I do not enjoy being here at the moment, in this space. At the Crossroads. At the Crossroads, no, no, no. New Crossroads, a little better for a title I think as I am writing the posted blog. If we pause and truly think about it we all are at a crossroads. We each have to make daily decisions that will impact our tomorrows or with some personal duress, someone else’s. As we try to live in the moment we are also planning, processing, progressing for tomorrow. I know God is intentional. I know that anything we go through and will go through has not taken Him by surprise. Oh, but can I have a physical, touch it, know it plan, Jesus??! Oh, then the scripture of Faith is dropped into my hearing, my spirit.
My heartbeat in these new crossroads has a rhythmically odd thumpty-thump-oh-my-pause pace. I am uncomfortable in this season of my life. I don’t quite understand it. I am dumbfounded and unable to encourage others. Daily, I would send affirmations via personal email and Facebook to friends and family. My give back from God; a morning aspiration for the past five years. It would seem after all I have done, been through and all that I have tried and am trying to do I should be able to do what I want, get what I want without question. Without this unbelievable stretch of stillness in time. “Be still and Know”….and still I whine, stomp my foot and pull at His shirttail “But God, do you hear me?”
I am advised to “sit” and hear God. Listen to Him. Pray for the next right move. Yet, I assure you I’ve always tried my best to do that. After twenty-five years of growing up in the country—where we had to travel to another city or town for groceries; where lights and the television were shut off during a storm; where a whooping came like the summer rain, unexpected—sitting still, listening to God is what I would know best.
I don’t say this to those who encourage me because I would come off sarcastically inept and insensitive. “Have any of my decisions been made without Him?” Whether I was obedient or not, I still made the decision with God in my mind. I did what I wanted knowing God would reprimand me one way or the other. As faithful as He is this free will He gives is the ultimate Aha. Conscious, that Holy Spirit “uh-uh” isn’t funny.
I have been given the greatest of opportunities: to be home. I take the Little Ones to school. I’m home when the Little Ones get home from school. I am able to write for hours at a time with no interruptions. I am able to help with homework. I am able to do my assigned homework and give my all instead of rushing to complete a 6 page essay on a one hour lunch break. (Grad student. The geekiest fun is a pressured deadline.) I have time to study and enjoy my Bible lessons in order to teach Sunday School. I have Time. Time to fulfill the dreams and opportunities I have always wanted without stress.
The children are great successes in school. My GPA would make you smile and say proudly, “Well, will you look-a-here.” Yet, here I am stressing, not sleeping, worrying, and crying. I have Time! And I am the most frustrated organized, got-to-have-a-reason-right now, obedient, hopeful, why-me-Lord woman in all the Earth. (That’s my personal opinion.) Oh, I forgot educated. Big sigh.
My Life! My own individualized because God loves me scratch pad has just been erased. I can’t see. I don’t know! If I knew I could do. I can plan. I can “Michelle” my way. Oh, how I want to “Michelle” my way through this. Oh well. God knows best. He does. I believe that. I know that. I have witnessed it over and over again. New career. New Pastor. New Crossroads, that’s where I am….on the other side of God knows best.

Walking by Faith trying to See around.

Me,

A. Michelle.

Fall, season of new Expectations

Bru's Love

Studying…love note from my Bru

                               
     How awesome is our God by Israel Houghton and Yolanda Adams
​        “You love me  and no boundary  can come between us
You have me  and no power can separate us  and oh my soul cries out  Hallelujah​”
I am beginning to love this song. It has been playing in my head all morning, all afternoon…while being Mommy, while exercising. Now, even when I am trying to write for my blog the song continues. What I want to write about I can’t so here goes:
Love…. ​God’s love is overwhelming….”You have me” resonates deeply within me, within my thoughts. Letting God love you seems like the easiest path to take, yet when He has you and you know it the more difficult it is to actually believe. No one could possibly love all of me.
My experience as I sat in my Human Development class Tuesday night:  
The lecture was on Adult love, adult relationships. As a divorcee, I normally keep my mouth shut when topics of love and marriage come up. The professor stated there were three major components that lead to long relationships/quality relationships. Passion + Intimacy + Commitment is what she wrote on the board. Her next question: How do we develop intimacy? The only person to speak up…Me, the divorcee, Ms. Long-term Single: “Trust, vulnerability, openness, honesty and touching.” Her response: “You are exactly right.” I mumble: “I know it,  just never had it.” She smiles. I laugh. The class remains silent. The majority of the class members are married and or have significant others.
I know that love is one of the most delicate emotions we experience; it also is the most fragile and yet the strongest. I have written from God’s love to adult love, my point: love is one of the greatest healing systems designed by God. As well as the easiest emotion for us to corrupt, destroy and manipulate. If you have love mold it, develop it into what you wish for. Make it come true.
God has me without boundary, no matter, no issue can separate me from His love. When you are loved by the Creator all else will come, sooner than later. Move toward your wants with God-confidence.  As an individual who loves love, keep loving; It wears well.
Expect more,
A. Michelle!