Intimately Worded with Michelle

Category: Relationship situations

  • Living in Brokenness

    We all do this. We do not allow ourselves to heal…not all the way. We believe we have had enough, done enough so we wait in hurt. We dream for better in the same routine, the same rut. We fight so hard to get what we want that we fight even harder to keep what damages us so.

    This post is heavy. I have pondered not to write it but alas here’s my heart: Living in brokenness determines so many different avenues that our lives will take. Faith and courage are more than stepping-stones. Faith and courage open doors. So many doors. The last few weeks, relationship woes have found their way to my listening ear. I refuse to give relationship advice. One, I am not in one. Two, No one knows a person’s true ordeal. People tell you what they want you to know and if the advice given does not match up to their true wants and what they want to do…the advice given is deemed wrong. Three, my experiences and my level of want may not match up to another’s level of love. Therefore, I listen.

    Her experience Woman I: “I am in a committed loving relationship. Twenty years, a sinful committed relationship. He still married.”  She laughs, “Now you know I know better.” Beautiful woman, late 50’s, a therapist.  (He is not legally divorced.)

    Her experience Woman II: “Thank you for wishing me happy birthday. My husband has not said one word about my birthday. I have been dealing with this for 20 years and I am not going to remind him.” Its 11:30 pm when I receive her text. This saddens me so. I want to respond, “Tell him.” Yet, I do not. I text, “Hugs. We’ll celebrate when we go out.” I know that did not ease her hurting. Beautiful woman, late 50’s, wonderful heart. She will give her last to a friend not expecting a payback. Beautiful spirit.

    My experience: I hide. I dare not show the deep levels of my heart. As wide and forgiving as it is, my heart hurts quickly and the consequences of that hurt makes me very decisive. It is difficult for any man to penetrate my heart. If I am hurt, I retreat. I do not argue and I do no fix people. My intent is never to hurt anyone. I live my life with those intentions. Yet, I know that I am capable of loving with the best of them. God’s timing is with purpose.

    Living in brokenness becomes factual, routine and monotonous without us being aware. It is a cycle of self-protection and longing. It is very understandable and livable. We all do it. Our coping mechanism, our coping techniques are a greater companion than anticipating change. I truly believe if my first marriage had not ended the way it did I would still be there praying, hoping, hanging on and suffocating simultaneously.

    I believe the ones who have the ability to break our hearts should not have nor be given the credibility to keep us in that place of brokenness. Living in brokenness is a place of growth, not a permanent place of stubbornness and “if-wishing.” God will do so much more with our heart matters when we faithfully move within our trust of Him.

    Peace your heart and love in hope,

    Michelle

  • Heart of Forgiveness

    Forgiveness: the tendency to forgive offenses readily and easily; the action or feeling of forgiving someone.

    I woke up this morning soul smiling. I have not been able to do that for some time. (So much going on in the world.)  I woke up grateful. I woke up with a heart of forgiveness. It is easy to define oneself as a forgiving person when there is no evidence of any physical or emotional attack.

    A heart of forgiveness is transitional. Letting go from your past to what is now is your gain.  I cannot give you the recipe or the steps to get here. What I am learning…I am most happy when all my cares, every concern and the ability to allow God to do more with the details of my life supersede any thing anyone has done to me or against me.

    There will be times in our lives when it just sucks. People are mean. They appear uncaring. Actions speak louder than words but we have to acknowledge that there are bigger things going on behind the scenes. (Growth opportunity)

    Reaching points of despair even depression is very normal and common— we are human. Yet, continuing to believe in yourself and each other with hope is much grander if you are dismissing people from your life—with anger. Trust me they will find their way out…without you avenging and without you deriving and molding them into a bad person. I think tearing a person down or developing them to be less than we imagined destroys a little bit of self.

    My experience: Anyone who hurts me becomes this horrible being. I make them that because I want to move forward, get over it quickly. People are whom they are without me adding to or subtracting from their character. Their meanness, their neglect or inattention is not a reflection of me. Really, it is not.

    If you follow me, you are aware that I have this amazing pastor. Rev. Cook, Jr.  Oh, how he steps on my spirit just so especially when I believe I am this okay person. This past Sunday, his topic is marriage. I listen, guarded. I am not over the edge thrilled with the topic. I know marriage. I believe it to be sacred. What I grasped during his dialogue: I do not forgive. I forget. I move on happily. I tell ya he messes with my spirit just enough.

    I am not saying I am now one of those “turn the other cheek” sistahs. (laugh) Just know another’s mess will no longer mess me. Miss me wit’ it.

    We should solider through life with integrity and honesty. We will be the better for it. Be original; our light draws the moths and the butterflies. The toxic people will do their best to destroy us. Do not let them. The great ones, those lighthouse friendships well they never leave us in the dark.

    Forgive because you want to not because you have to. It works wonders for your soul.

    Unashamed in this growth thing,

    Michelle

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