Wading Through It All

My thoughts before and after….my intimate prayers are layered: “I ask for complete healing. I pray for a good report of the mass being benign. I ask, that You, Father, Creator, to be with me in whatever I may experience and or hear Thursday.” My tears have been unstoppable on most nights upto Thursday morning, 12/23. Thursday morning, my sister picks me up and we head to my appointment. She is told she cannot wait with me in the waiting room due to the new variant. She returns to the car. I check-in and go to the furthest corner of the waiting room and I begin to cry. Well, there is just too much time between waiting and seeing the doctor so all these thoughts occur. I worry on how to do this. I worry that my prognosis is going to be the worst. I worry that I’m too young for any of this…but that’s not a new worry. I feel as if all of my life I’ve been too young for all that has happened in my lifetime. I laugh-cry reminding myself none of these thoughts sound like your prayers. I pull myself together just as my name is called.

My nurse gives instructions to change and states she will be waiting by my door. I change. I cry some more. I exit the room and she’s waiting. Nurse: “Are you ready?” I respond, “No.” She patiently waits until I am. She smiles. We proceed. She goes over all the medical jargon, expectations and how to take care of myself after. I lay on the table, staring at the ceiling as she begins to locate the mass. Nurse: “I can’t find it. I’ve moved all the way to 12:00+.” (I pray some more, believing God has heard me, answered my prayer.) She’s trying for about 5 more minutes and she finds it. The mass moved from its initial location at 2:00-3:00+ (3 weeks ago) to 1:00+. I’m unsure what this means but I think it is a good thing the difficulty she has locating it. (They determined the location of growth/mass by clockwise direction beginning at the center of the areola.)

Dr. comes in and states: “Your mass is in your areola. The fact that it is moving means that there is fluid inside and that usually means benign. That is not definitive you will have to wait for confirmed testing.” He begins to explain the procedure, the sounds I will hear…..he is kind, his voice comforting. I turn my head, close my eyes and practice my deep breathing as they numb the area. I think they can hear me and it bothers me that I think I am a hindrance. I grow quieter. I stay focused on my breathing and not the pain in my areola; my thoughts: it’s not in the deep parts of my breast. I’m still lost; running back and forth from faith to fear, from fear to faith. “Red Rover, Red Rover send Michelle right over.” Once all was over, I honestly can say I felt better after the procedure than I did going in. My results come Tuesday, over the phone not in person. (Coronavirus Measures 101) Deep sigh again.

Biopsy Christmas. Grief. Loss. Another isolating round of this new variant-Pandemic-ish living. We’re not blindly going into this new year yet we’re exhausted. I pray that we will faithfully say goodbye to the fear with renewed perspectives of ourselves, of our humanity. Yes, 2022 is coming in heavier than 2021. I believe prayers, the fact that we have to be inclusive, insightful of all that is happening around us, those things occurring far away from us and within us is quite a spiritual undertaking; it is becoming traumatic, at times depressive. We turn more towards self-defeat and question our whys, neglecting our purpose. We’re not wrong. We are weary. Our souls ache, we are wounded souls.

I hope that you find yourSelf wading through when you’re not able to stand, lean, pray nor comprehend. Our answered prayers do not always reflect what we ask yet they seem to always be what God knows is for our best, at times our betterment and more often than not what we have the capacity to receive. Trust this timing of your life….ask for what you need…love even the more. We’re not lost. We’re finding our way.

Faith read: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” James 1:17 NKJV

Intimately Worded,

Michelle

Homework: Self Study💕

In reflection this Sunday morning: My day off…I am still off my routine of things. It was struggle to enjoy my mani and massage pedi. I mindfully had to make myself sit and be taken care of— for they are doing great work.

I’m noticing that I’m struggling within the easy parts of my life. My self maintenance is priority —yet even in that I’m resolved to what is the point. What is the point in all I’ve worked for and towards to be told that “there is something there.” I’m not professing hopelessness or helplessness. I’m still trying to figure out what I did wrong. I believe I’ve had to do something wrong that requires punishment. Right?Right.

Thursday mornings are my spiritual companionship times w/ my Spiritual Advisor. We’ve been together over a year now and I would say she knows me better than most. She affirms me in who I am, how I am, how I love and how I want to be loving. She doesn’t push unless she recognizes that I am not present. She gets me, all of me. Although, this Thursday morning was a struggle too—to hear her, to want to be there. Through this tough time that I am struggling with…I am fussing and complaining about mistreatment towards me, towards others, how this world is cruel at it’s best and it’s worst; I fuss about friendships, about abuse; about it all. She quietly asks me to “overstand, to know that not everyone has your gift.”

I chuckled silently and think, I’m struggling to inner-stand, understand where I am. I acknowledge that, no one is holding space for me. Deep sigh. I am committed to surviving with thriving–this in-betweenness is difficult. This week’s wins: I woke every morning with purpose. I reached out to patients outside of working hours due to their hurts along their journey. I took two vacation days without working and finishing notes. I am planning for workshops in 2022 with strategic hope. I daily connected with my children and spent time with my granddaughter. I talked to my sister and my biological Aunt Shirley. My Koda is without a doubt the most loving furbaby ever.

What I am learning: we love easier when we allow our changes to come softly. When it feels the most is falling apart…maybe the transitions bring all we’ve wanted to fruition and all is coming together. It all looks different, fearful. We’ve never been in this position before. I never expected love throughout this type of season. Redefine Love for yourSelf. My father told me once: “Michelle you’re just running in the field of flowers.” Of course, there was an hour long lecture about relationships after that. I was a teen.☺️
It’s 30 years later and I get it. I comprehend those wisdom highlights more so than ever. I miss him.

I anticipated and wanted “Love” happy, without sadness, without work. There are consequences to our choices. Undoubtedly, there are benefits to our choices as well. Every rejection, disappointment, their “no” can possibly set us on an extraordinary different path. Stop attaching your future to leftovers, to what is left. You’re dodging bullets left and right, Woman! Rise up. Level up. Do you. Protect yourSelf with love—be loving– intuitively. This is…this betterment is actual; it is what is tangible, intangible. This journey, our blessings are necessary. Our lessons learned. Our experiences personal. Everything is happening for your good—-even the current pain of right now. Choose You again and again—intimately and faithfully.

Words for thought: Scripture: Luke 22:31-32

Intimately Worded,

Michelle

Sundays…

#Sundays, remain my favorite day of the week. I am setting a goal to write weekly and post to my blog. I miss writing and I miss the blogging world. I’m unsure if I have introduced our newest family member: Koda, he is a husky and is 15 months old. He has been with us since he was 8 weeks old. That’s him fussing in the pic below because he wants attention and I was working. He is a bit much and we love him so; unconditional love at its best.

I’m in my head this early morning. Coffee, Christmas Decor, writing, reading and some good rest will be my day. I am reflecting on past relationships and friendships and who I was, became and wanted to be in them. It is Christmas time and in the past years I use to think that I was lonely; this year not so much. This year has been a lot of mishaps with meeting others on dating apps and one actual “real life” face to face human. That did not work out well either; I question humanity and common decency more than myself. I am unsure of what to expect of love. What I know is what I want and I am willing to work with all of it when love comes. I am thinking of what time type of relationship person I am. I want to ask: what type of relationship person are you?

When it comes to friendships and dating relationships: I encourage you to stop analyzing why the important and most loved ones walk away. I encourage you to release them without bitterness and in your most loving way possible. Alas, let them go seek what they believe to be true.

Love, to want love is the same for everyone. How to love and in which ways to love is different, quite different. Focus on the rarity it requires to meet your person. Everyone does not get “It.” I’m learning the “It” of it requires simplicity and less difficulty. I love Love. I want creating a space, a place to enhance life a bit more easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

 Trust in your ability to love and make room for better, not only healing your past. I love you. May your Sunday be of good love and sacred rest. I pray your week is productive and beneficial for you.

Intimately Worded,

Michelle

Christmas Ornaments: Nostalgia and All the Feels

#AfterChristmas: This picture of my favorite Christmas ornaments contains over 25 years of awesome memories. Each one was either created by my children, gifted to me or purchased for my children to have.

The monogram balls are for my Autumn, now 16 and for my Bru, now 13. The handmade gingerbread man created by my Darius at age 5…he is now 27 years old. The gingerbread has been broken and glued so many times. I love it the most because of its durability to withstand moves from home to home, sticky and clumsy baby fingers, its ability to hold so much with so little. The clear ball w/ the angel in the center also has been repaired and glued so many different times; its creator is my oldest, Damien, now 30 years old. The Christmas Tree painting was completed by my daughter at 11 years old. She doesn’t like it, stating its so elementary. I absolutely love it.  She has grown into a phenomenal artist. You have to check out her 2008 Snowman. You see her picture?! She was 5 years old. The heart shaped cream-colored ornament was gifted to me by my deceased Mother-in-Law. She wasn’t always the greatest to me yet each Christmas I share w/ her grandchildren her unique style for different things.

Life has this way of not going or coming together as we planned. Each year with hanging the ornaments and decorating our home for the Holidays, I remember. I believe that 20 years of memories, of babies becoming adults, of our children adulting while we’re doing our best to adult as well brings transformation, details a life of grace. As we transition, transform, develop, build and grow…we learn how to be the repairer after we break…we learn to represent the greatest traits after brokenness. Continue to heal, continue to live so that love remains. Life has a way of undoing what we hold sacred. I’ll keep our Christmas up after the New Year comes in, its so much more than tradition. Honor what makes you You.

This year, my #struggle deepened, and my purpose got greater. I continue to wish you love and peace. If you are a giver, make room to receive. It comes back to you, always. I pray that all your experiences this year have led you to a closer relationship with Our Creator. My hope is that you know without any shadow of doubt that you are loved and with His love you can conquer and soar…He equips is to do great things. December 31 symbolizes more of our wants…not the ending. Grow, heal, love, #forgive, plan, accomplish. Do your work. Do what is required of you. Believe in better. Happy New Year! Continued blessings and miracles to you and yours. #MakeRoom #GraceForMore

Intimately Worded, 

Michelle 

Post Thanksgiving: Gratefulness

I’ve always loved Thanksgiving. They were huge for me; I have a huge family and love was indicated, felt whether it was what you needed or not. I laugh now, isolation was never an issue. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. I am a middle child. Our parents are now deceased and as the years go by their physical presence …the want to hear and be with them on this day in particular intensifies. Life has a way of giving us what we need the most and lovingly reminds us why we were in need of that something or someone.

The days after #Thanksgiving, I believe should be of recovery time; moments of healing. I pray your time after is that of gratefulness, without guilt. I pray that the tinge of loneliness, if any encourages you to create a new tradition or make that call to a friend. Do not dismiss the power of extending grace. #MoveForward

http://borninprovidence.com Please check out her “Friends-Giving” post. Working w/E on our Self-Care Strategies for the Holidays was and continues to be an exemplary example of two therapists’ heart. What I learned while working with her— listening to her is that she is an unproblematic enthusiasts and a genius in her field. She loves what she does and oh what a giving heart. Here are a few personal takeaways from our Zoom collaboration:

  • Life is better shared, yet when we’re not open to sharing its more than okay to self-advocate what you need with grace.
  • Intimacy is to be treasured not out of self-created responsibilities. We don’t have to feel less than to not be a part of something that’s become so difficult.
  • When the opportunity arises Choose Yourself More. Trust when the need for implementing healthy boundaries is necessary. Learn and continue to learn what that looks like for you. Consistency is often underrated.

As December storms itself into our lives, I am certain there will be more storms that will impede on my pathway of gratefulness. E and I will have another Holiday Zoom Live December 21. We will discuss wellness for those facing Transitions. Please reach out to either one of us if you have a topic of transition or change you would like us to touch on. We enjoy you!

What I am sure of…grief gets complex and there are different aspects to every transition. I think that gratitude is a state of mind, a divine guide towards our more. I am grateful, knowing that when I accept my blessings and when I am receptive of grace has brought me exactly where I am—at peace. You’re not wrong when you choose yourself with grace.

“Most decisions don’t require extensive research…It takes a considerable amount of self-awareness and self-control to resist the temptation.” ~Gretchen Rubin

Intimately Worded,

Michelle