Singleness Relationships His plans

Confident

Human Nature is God created and is the simplest most complex form of co-existing. It seems that relationships are now this big hoo-haw of rules…you have to be, what you should do, do not do that, and then they add in the biblical characters of Boaz, Ruth, then the terms submissiveness, wait and pursue. It kills me, completely. I am not writing to give advice and suggest anything. Just read this with an open-mind and open-heart.

I want to remind you that finding what you want, being single, while-in-wait is not complicated. It truly will take that one day, the one moment (and you may not ever describe it as perfect but it will be for that moment) that one conversation, that one hello, that one smell of his cologne, his swag,  that one act of chivalry and it happens. There really is no rhyme or reason to it. Even the unexpected friendship that blossoms is a part of it all.

Stop allowing what “experts” give, sell to you about your life because this is your life, your choice. Honestly, he/she cannot tell you how to be now in order to be dating if they have no clue of the trials you went through or the fiery acts of faith you believed in your past. People change. Mindsets become new. Our environments change. How I am, is due to the things God has allowed in my life and they are blessings. As a single parent of three African American males (two are adult men) and one daughter I have no room in my life to be passive, submissive nor non-intimidating. It just will not work. Yet, I know enough from my Mom, my Daddy, my brothers, my family, those aunts on how to be loving towards a man who holds my interest.

I have become, am becoming this person, this woman, this loving female not because of my past but in spite of; in spite of all I endured, endure —-because of my relationship with God. There is no doubt in my mind that my intimacy with God has grown me into a woman who is too forward, too passive, too gullible and above all ignorant. He just would not allow it. I am imperfect, perfectly so.  I smile from my soul for who I am. Our walk with Him is personal, it is about growth, it is about healing, and it is about GROWTH! Growth and stagnation does not mesh. God is so much greater. We have to realize that people choose to love or runaway, they choose it. Let them. Their choice does not make you or I less than. The only person that can impede God’s will for your life is you. {Jeremiah 29:11}

The heavy part of love requires all of you, each of you. Know and believe in your definition of love and you will find the partner that will enhance your definition or have you rewrite your definition with his or her edits. Just proofread first! Be in ready mode. Your heart is bigger than what if. God’s will is grander please believe that.

I pray God’s grace in whomever you choose to love….and I am so proud of you for where you are today. You have come through so much. Keep your You! It works specifically for all you are connected to.

Intimately written,

Michelle

February Love, dealing with Me.

me_2016     Where to begin? I believe in love. I believe in the type of love that covers, protects. The love that heals, forgives. The love that encourages, advises. The love that is silent yet quietly completes. I do not anticipate the fairy-tale, the dreamy –sexy-Knight-in-shining-armor type. I do not expect the saintly, mega millionaire to make all my dreams come true. Love is hard work. The type of work that is not for the faint of heart. My heart has been bruised enough. I am not dictating that it will not happen again, hurt has every opportunity as with everything in life. Yet, I will not force pain to remain.

As of late, I have a mental checklist with my heart and my brain. Another year of no valentine…I contemplate the suggestions family and friends throw my way: join a dating site, do online dating, go to a bar, find someone in the Church, join this, join that. What I realize I never had to join anything to meet either of my ex’s.  Well at 46, I refuse to play any of those games now. I am not putting anyone’s efforts in finding love down. I know what works for me because I know what I want. I am an old soul. I am old-fashion in believing in connections, in happenstance, in chance, in coincidences, “coinkadinks” (as my Momma would say.) The Next One will come.

So in-between that time and now I work on self.  I process to progress. I heal. I grow. I achieve. I teach.  I help. I am kind. I am there for others as well as myself. I give. I understand. I work. I smile. I encourage. I love. We easily lose sight of others, our friends and family when we lose sight of ourselves. Soul reveal: I do not receive invitations to many things because I am not part of a couple. It does not bother me as much anymore. Time is a precious commodity and if any friendship requires exclusion, that is a terrible loss for all involved.

There is no self-degradation during this time! Read a book. Watch a movie. Other times I review my week. I think of how many people I helped during the week. I think of how many reached out to me for answers, for a listening ear and I smile. I encourage myself. Surely, what we put out there we will receive back. God’s word says it multiplies. {Ephesians 5:15-17}

I love that my heart is not as fragile as my first heartbreak. Geez, aren’t they worst? I truly thought I could no longer live. I laugh remembering the woes of a teen. I love the fact that my heart is not bitter and broken from a failed marriage. I love that I understand love with all its simplicity and all its complexity, for all its worth that I would not change. My experiences lead me to who I am becoming. Love does not have to find me. I am not hiding. It is here, it has always been here, waiting for me to discover, uncover, and recover and then love some more. Ever changing. February is Love month, as well as Black History month. February is also the shortest month of the year—dealing with me, well that is 365, 24/7. I am trusting God for my more while protecting the best of me until He delivers. {Jeremiah 29:11}

“For now remember this. Even though you don’t have what you want right now, keep your heart open anyway. Later, you’ll see more. You’ll see how it worked out. How it needed to be just so.” ~Melody Beattie. 

Love Self; the rest will come. It all circles back and you will know when you see it. I am learning that we cannot timeline our seasons…spring always follows winter.

Keep sowing,

A.Michelle!

The Cost of no, maybe & no response

He doesn’t want me…

and I’m good with that. I am better when I acknowledge that information.  I am still great. I am still going to lose the weight and not eat this big bowl of butter pecan ice cream… and lays potato chips. (Awesome combination and a great emotional cure all.)  I am still loved. I am still an awesome mother. I am still kind. I am appreciative and appreciated. Rejection is painful and it also should make you fully aware of your greatest asset: Self, your You.

We too often fall victim to our own missteps. We turn our hopes into a great mistake. Learning to love who you are should never be categorized with rejection. Love heals. Love corrects. Love gives. Love loves. Do not tear yourself down due to inattention, love is action.

I know the negativity that runs rapid through our minds. I know how it replays itself over and over again. The strength of our hearts is based on the strength of our hearts… it’s unbeatable.  Never allow a person to out-purpose God’s intent and intended for you.

Earlier this week, a great friend asked me why I never spoke of my ex-husband.  I responded: “That’s not a part of me. Why would I? It is so long ago. I have been divorced over 10 years.” She responds: “You filed it away. ” Me: “No. It isn’t a part of me. He was mean and cruel. I refuse to give Satan any credit. To “file away” implies I carry it and at times look back at it. I don’t. I’m healed. There’s no discussion about him because there’s no new information to discuss.” One little tidbit: If a person does not bring up their ex in a conversation, respect it and you in turn do the same.

I’m learning that no one’s journey is the same. Heartache happens to us all but no one has the right nor the self-history to label my healing. Life is heavy don’t carry the unnecessary; carry hope.

He doesn’t want me and I’m okay with that. Dating has become so generalized, an unflattering epidemic of social media terms and rules. Love is so much more, so intimate. Don’t get caught up in the pics, the messages,  the memes, sex clips, and infamous propaganda. I watched,  observed my parents a lot. What I didn’t comprehend they explained and taught me better. 33 years of marriage. God’s grace.

I remember my first date. I was 16, so excited. I finally was allowed to date. My date blew the horn.  I jumped from the sofa,  ready. My mom,  my Pearl: “If you open that door I’ll break your neck.” I stopped in my tracks,  my smile fading. My Dad,  all 6 feet of him: “If he doesn’t come in here and speak to us there is no date. You not going anywhere.” I tried my best to hold back the tears while holding my breath and simultaneously working my unknown telepathic skills to will my date in. He finally crossed the threshold and I remembered that breathing was again wonderful.  Of course there was a list of rules and a set curfew.

That lesson and many others from my parents keep me “okay” with a great deal of things. Rejection is a minimal concurrent stacked against unlimited possibilities. Know your worth and always expect God’s greater for every area of your life. No matter where you are in the phase of your journey—interested, like, deep like, in love,  can’t live without him feelings, heartbreak, know that you deserve all or nothing. Be proud of wanting what you want!  If the wanted doesn’t want to be wanted free’em with love. Stop bashing self and others. There are other open doors, different and in want of you!

He doesn’t want me and I’m okay with that. Smile, anyway. His competition, that One will. Keep pressing. Remain focused. Subtract the cost, add in the benefits. For any person struggling for a place to be or how to be… Be you! It is better than okay.

Heart full,  heart
A.Michelle

Potential-Hopeless- I can’t know…

Autumn & Me

“Single is a status not a right.” – Michelle

So I met this guy at the pool Friday, Father’s Day weekend. I am the only mother at the pool. Autumn sees a school friend she knows and they along w/ Brutus begin to play. I am sitting at the far end, alone, texting my sister Keyna about being the only mother at the pool. She tells me I can have my pick of the men. I tell her all of’em got issues.

Guy: “Ma’am, ma’am?”

I turn and he says, “Thank you. Thank you so much for bringing her. Great timing.”

Me: “You are welcome.” I text Keyna some more and I am thinking if he says something else I will walk over to him. Be more open. Make a friend.

A few minutes later….

Same guy: “Ma’am, ma’am,  Again it is great you came out here when you did. I get to have some me time while they play.”

I size him up, he has his phone, tablet, portfolio and all this stuff surrounding him. I figure he is married. I will be in a safe zone. I can be me without pressure. So I walk over, extend my hand and introduce myself.

His name is Mike.

Me: “The ants are taking over down there and we were only going to be here for an hour. I didn’t bring anything.”

Mike: “I just happened to bring Off today. You can use it on your feet.”

Me: “You don’t mind?” I spray my feet and arms. (I notice he gives me a look.)

Mike: “No, not at all. I appreciate you coming when you did. It seems they know each other well. From school?”

I sat down in the lounge chair beside him.

Me: “Apparently. I don’t remember your daughter or seeing you at the elementary school.”

Mike: “No, they are at different middle schools this year. The principal is great at my daughter’s school.”

Me: “That is great. So they know your face at the school?”

Mike: “Oh yeah, most definitely.”

We talk more about school, our kids, life insurance (who does that?), family vacations and him.

Background: He is 48 years old, employed for 25 years, separated for a year, has a girlfriend. Definitely getting a divorce.

He leaves to refill his drink and get his daughter a drink & snack. He comes back w/ Cheez-its. Offered them to me. I say no. He says: “You know you want some Cheez-its.”

Me: “I am thirsty. You didn’t bring me nothing to drink but offer these dry a$$ crackers. You selfish” He laughs out loud.

We talk more. He leaves to go get me a drink, and he touches my knee. Mike: “For the record you know you walked over here. You flirtin? Imma smoke my cigar. You mind?”

Me, laughing, “Not flirtin. You got issues–legally separated and already have a girlfriend. No, I don’t mind the cigar.”

Mike, laughing: “You might wanna slow down.”

He leaves and comes back w/ a drink for me. We talk more. He turns on some music. At the pool, under the stars and the laughter of children. So I am thinking how long it has been since I have been around a Man…he smells good, got all his teeth, kind, sweet, funny….the sky lights up w/ lightening but no rain and the breeze is just wonderful. Great vibe but he has extenuating circumstances. I tell myself to chill.

We are out there until 10:15 pm. Shake hands and exchange numbers. Our girls do the same. As soon as I get home I get a text: “You want me?” I didn’t respond. I laugh. He resend the text. Me: “Yes, but you are not in a position to be wanted. You are not available” We text for 3 more hours..

Now I try to avoid anything that will disturb my spirit when I have to teach Sunday School. (Not the perfect Christian but teaching is a great responsibility.  Leading God’s folks astray will not be on my resume. Jesus will not be “eyeballing” me.)

I go to sleep and stop texting. Saturday I study my lesson as well and other school work. I avoid my phone. At 1:21 am he calls, hangs up. He texts: ”Do you give ####?” My response: “Does your girlfriend? Your wife?” He responds:“Please forgive me.” “Do you forgive me?” “I shouldn’t have asked.” The “forgive me?” texts go on for hours.

I ignore the texts and go to sleep. I don’t fall into any kind of emotion; men are strange. Someway, somehow strange seems to find me. I refuse to let his actions disturb my thoughts.

So I will continue to be Nun-like….nun of yall getting any, nun of yall got any sense, nun yall can’t be alone? Nun yall realize what’s in front of you and nun yall just nun yall. 🙂

The saga encounters of the hopeless, the White Men, the Elderly and the Toothless continues.  Really God, all I did was divorce, happily divorce….lol!

Remaining hopeful. You do the same. ~M.